Friday, January 20, 2012

Frankenpenis

It's inevitible that when you're as sexually active as I am, you are bound to encounter some strange yet wonderful things. This is not one of those times. Strange, yes. Wonderful...ummm....not so much. I was invited to a male friend's house to smoke some weed and "hang out". Me being the whore that I am, assumed this meant get high and fuck. We sat down and smoked and there was this ugly little stripper bitch sitting on the couch with her fiancee (she was 18, he was 29...ew). Anyways, little stripper bitch was trying desperately to impress me, but alas, I couldn't get my focus off her FUPA, cankles, and cum-pocket chin. I suggested to my male friend that we go into the bedroom (this is code for sex). I jumped on his bed, and he sat on the couch. Ummm...what the fuck. Ok, so then stripper bitch who I will now call "cock block bitch" decides she's gonna walk into his room and sit on the couch and also watch TV.

I'm plotting my sexual plan at this point. I debate grabbing him and trying to make her uncomfortable by sucking his cock in front of her...but then I realize she'll probably try and join us and God forbid, I couldn't touch that...not even high. The phone rings. It turns out to be another ugly stripper bitch. This one reminds me of a gangly dorky version of Raggedy Ann. She had a manly voice and fake tits and these fucking coke bottle glasses. And where did she sit? Next to cock block stripper. Jesus. They get up and leave the room and shut the door. I say to male clueless friend "Umm....so are we not gonna fuck or...?" He responds "I didn't really know that was an option." Wait up....hold the phone...I suggest going to your bedroom, I jump on your bed, I bend over in front of you, and you didn't figure sex was an option? I'm appalled. So I say "Yes it is."Grab him, and kiss him. I pull away and in my subtle nature I say "So show me your dick." He responds..."Umm....there's something I should tell you first."

Pause. Ok...now if this has ever happened to you, you know something bad or shocking is about to happen. I'm thinking The HIV or something. I looked at him slightly curiously..."Are you embarrassed?" I ask. He says "No. I am a little intimidated though." Ok....normal, I am a little intimidating. Then...the big secret is revealed. He starts hesitantly..."Well, see I had this accident when I was a kid..." Oh SHIT...here it comes... "...and, umm I sorta had my dick cut off." WHOA. Now I became ever more curious. I did the most natural thing that came to mind and asked if I could see it. Reluctantly he pulled down his pants to reveal what can only be described as a giant zit/pothole/volcano. I reacted with "Ew! Oh oops...sorry, my bad didn't mean to say ew..." (yes I did). So now that I was officially dried up like a 90 year old woman who's undergone female circumcision, I decided I needed to abandon ship. I told him I was going out to eat because I was really hungry (yup, cut off cock's make me hungry). He asked if I would come back...I wanted to say "Dude you just showed me your severed penis and you expect me to continue hangin out with you?" But I didn't. I told him "maybe" and left to fuck someone who actually does have a dick.

2 comments:

  1. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the best virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete