Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wait. You wanna put what? Where?
Picture It: Hot evening in May, going to a Rays game with my then boyfriend who I will refer to as...Preppy and his best friend, who I will call Tumor. Tumor is nicknamed this because he is quite possibly the ugliest, dorkiest man I have ever laid eyes on, and when he lent me his Rays hat, I noticed a giant tumor protruding out of the side of a greasy panel of hair...umm no thanks, Tumor, I don't want to wear your hat all of a sudden. So anyways, me, Preppy, and Tumor start consuming mass amounts of alcohol. We snuck in a bottle of vodka, plus it's dollar beer night and we're all getting fucked up beyond belief. We have a hotel room back at the Holiday Inn. We get back and start drinking some more. I decide to take a shower...my decisions just kept getting worse. I step out of the shower to find Tumor and Preppy naked on the bed together. Ok...so...we're always trying to get Tumor laid because he's so repulsive, but jesus christ, I heard he had this horse dick, so I guess I was due to find out. I am already naked so we start getting into stuff...then...it happened...Preppy starts sucking Tumor's dick. "Oh my god...wtf my boyfriend is gay!" He assures me he's not gay, just freaky...we end up sucking Tumor's dick together...then I started making requests to see just how gay these two mother fuckers are...I told Tumor to fuck Preppy in the butt. He tried, but Tumor's dick was too big...hilarity ensued as Preppy told me how him and Tumor had done this whole "i'm not gay, but I'll try sucking your dick" thing before...jesus. The next morning I remember waking up, praying that the whole thing was just an awful nightmare...but the condoms were proof. My boyfriend was a faggot.