Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Mr. Baby Dick

If there's one thing worse than a guy with a small penis, it's a guy who has a small penis, but thinks it's big. That's what happened when I met James, a person a secretly started to despise because of his insistence of over compensation. James was a former army guy who I met on myspace. He was one of those people that looked good from far, but far from good. In pics he was ok looking, nothing spectacular and he was dating a fat chick. Which in my opinion, automatically makes you uglier. I really had no intention of having sex with this person, but like most things go, no one is ugly after 2 am when you're trashed off one too many Bud Lights. So he goes down on me. He considers himself some sort of "Clit Commander" which he really wasn't. In fact, he sucks. I'm having to picture hot chicks and Channing Tatum when he's going down on me. Then came the reveal of this so called "spectacular penis" James had. I remember he looked at me with this sort of semi-rapist gleam in his eye like "oh baby you are gonna worship me for this." Then he starts to pull down his pants, and I see this little bitty baby dick. Wait, stop. This is what you were so excited to show me? Shit, we probably could have had better sex if he would have just kept his dick in his pants. But wait, it gets worse. We start doing it, and I'm trying every position so that I can just feel his little dick better...and while I'm finagling my body into these bizarre kama sutra-esque poses, he's saying things like "Oooh girl, do you like this big ol' dick?" and "Yeah bitch, take my big cock." Really, I thought this dude was delusional. Did he really think 4 inches was a big dick? Now, you don't normally tell a guy his dick is unusually peculiarly small...thats like a guy telling a girl that her pussy smells like a tuna sandwich, but homeboy was really starting to bug me with his gay little comments that he learned from watching way too much porn on a scrambled TV as a kid. So I'm making all these faces of disgust, and finally I just come right out and say it. "Can you please get off me? I'm feeling nauseous." He reluctantly climbs off of me as I run to the bathroom. When I get back out of the bathroom, he immediately starts to try and kiss me and hold me and shit. This is what prompted my blow to his ego. "You know, you should really edit the things you say during sex. They're kind of offensive." Thats when he says "Oh, I'm sorry, do you not like being called bitch during sex?" And I said "Actually, I like being called bitch. But your tiny penis wouldn't even be considered big in China and it offends me that you think it's big." I have never been kicked out of someone's house so fast in my life. I mean, he has like one tear in his eye that he's trying to slurp back in and he's like "Get the fuck out of my house you whore." I was happy to oblige. I never saw poor James and his baby dick again, but I just have to say....I feel bad for the next girl he fucks...because it's just not up to par with all the hype.

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