I always thought British guys were sexy, but no. They're like a piece of shadooby (aka poop) inside of a Gucci bag. It looks good on the outside, but if you open it up, there's still a stinky pile of crap in there. So allow me to explain. I met this guy on facebook, and he was British and adorable. We went to his parents house (awkward) and headed into the bedroom to watch a movie. Innevitably anyone who watches a movie with me usually gets laid. So here we lay on the bed and the movie sucks, so I decide to make a move because Brit is obviously scared to since he's like shaking laying next to me. So I reach over, and I start casually rubbing on his junk, which seems pretty big...so I'm sort of excited. I then decide, it's time for me to get naked. I stand up, get undressed and I swear this guy is gonna piss his pants because he's so excited. I watched his eyes light up like a kid seeing presents under the tree on Christmas day. I then lay down on the bed, and make another move because apparently he's Mr. Submissive, or maybe just shy. So i start kissing him and undressing him, and I pull him on top of me. Ok...I'm turned on now...so it's time for Brit to go downtown. He was kissing me all over my stomach and my boobies, and I'm thinking to myself "Holy shit...just get THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" so I grab a chunk of his hair in my fist, and I start to push his head down there, and he won't go. So I start getting kind of mad and try to push his head down even harder. At this point I think I hurt him because he stopped what he was doing and said "Lets fuck". Ok, I understand certain guys don't eat pussy (I could NEVER date one of these guys...if you're a guy imagine a bitch who doesn't suck dick and how deprived you would feel)., but why are you going to get super close to my vag and not lick it? So then we start to have sex. I get on top, and I'm sad because apparently the big penis I felt earlier was all jeans, and what I was left with was a little baby dick. So I'm riding him and he starts shaking...like fucking physically shaking like he was either having a nervous breakdown or was going to explode. No! 2 minutes with a 5 inch dick is just not satisfying, so I jumped off and said "Ok...you get on top." So he did. OMG. I wanted to fucking shoot myself for suggesting this. He started to get really creepy and tried being romantic or something with me...nothing bothers me more than a guy who is definately a one-night stand trying to get all emotional and shit. Dude. Just face it. I'm going to fuck you, and I'm going home, and because you suck, I'm probably never going to talk to you again, or worse, I'm going to text you to tell you that you have a tiny penis and you have the hip action of a down syndrome baby.
So back to story...creepy Brit man is thrusting me in this deformed slow fashion and kissing me on my neck and cheeks and I'm bored as fuck trying to watch Eagle Eye over his shoulder. I'm annoyed. I really want to watch this movie now because this kid keeps moaning and being weird and I just want to pretend like he's not even there, so I suggest doggy style. I wanted to face the movie, but no, this mother fucker faces me towards the wall. Great. Now I have nothing to watch, AND a boring little penis inside me. So I do what any logical person would do in this situation...I picked up my phone, started fucking around on Facebook, and making sex noises so Brit would bust and get the fuck off me. I was screaming "Oh yeah...you're dick is huge, i want you to nut everywhere..." blah blah blah. It worked. He came, and I dressed myself as quick as possible and walked past his parents again who I'm sure heard everything, and left.
Brit has since tried contacting me. I told him the reason I won't hang out with him is because he sucks in bed. I also said it sucks that he doesn't eat pussy. He begged me to hang out and told me he would lick my pussy til I couldn't stand anymore. I told him that he should have done that the first time we hooked up and that it might have made up for the fact that he couldn't successfully bang a jar of peanut butter, much less a vagina. This is the reason I'm convinced that all British men fucking suck in bed.
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