The Blowjob Chronicles

This is a compilation of random blowjobs and the wonders of the penis

1. The 30-second man: This is the guy who is about to cum before you even blow him. This is my favorite type of blowjob because, duh, there's barely any process of technique to it, and the guy always worships you afterward. They always say something that's supposedly flattering like "Oh holy shit. I've never gotten off that fast in my entire life! You're amazing!" Not that I doubt my incredibly skilled oral practices, but I always think to myself, "Ya right. You can't hold your load and if I fucked you I'd be left with an empty soul laying in a puddle of cum on the bed." My biggest accomplishment was when I was a Junior in High School and I made this guy Mike nut in the parking lot of a bowling alley within 10 seconds. Literally, 10 fucking seconds. I barely touched the thing and he busted.

2. Mr. Sensi-balls: This type of guy has uber sensitive balls and if you get anywhere near them, the guy cringes and busts out into hysterical tinkle laughter. I once was kicked in the face by this guy as I was attempting to roll his balls around in my mouth. I try to do a sample lick now before I proceed with any ball technique.

3. The Cruncher: The cruncher is a VERY rare breed of man I have only encountered one time in my life. I was at this house when I was around 18 being a whore as usual and had just banged 2 really hot guys who I now don't remember (probably because it was just very routine sex) and then there was Garrett. I sat on this bed, and started sucking his dick. He then told me to "get rough with it" so I slapped myself across the face with it. I felt like a fucking retard. He started to laugh. "No no...bite it. Hard!" Ok...now....pause. This is what has been told to me for my entire sexual life....never bite a guys dick...I was confused, but I did it. Holy shit. This kid nutted enough to fill a fucking ice tray. Weirdo. He's now married. Even more weird.

4. The Slow-Mo: I know everyone likes something different, but this type of guy bores me. I mean I can't do anything different, everytime I try to speed shit up, they stop me and are like..."no go back to the slow thing you just did....ya....that's it baby." OMG. That shit is borderline lame...can't I vary anything? No. He wants it fucking slow and steady while I roll my eyes and hope he fucking busts soon.

5. The Rough Neck: This is the guy who either knew I was a slut and would just fucking take it, or actually liked this shit. Every girl knows this guy. He puts his hand on the back of your head, possibly grabbing a chunk of your hair, and tries to thrust the shit out of your throat while you make funny mouth noises, somewhat resembling a quacking duck, which he thinks is fucking awesome. I've thrown up on 3 dicks in my life and you know what? I fucking swallowed that shit back down and kept going because I'm a fucking champ. I'll be damned if I'm gonna be known as that bitch who barfed on your cock.

So there you have it....almost every guy falls into one of these 5 categories...some better than others, but always memorable.