Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hey! I'm Emotionally Destroyed! Nice to meet you!

I met him on myspace. A normal guy it seemed. We had a pretty good conversation on the phone that night (even though previously he had tried to get with my best friend via myspace as well). He complained to me about his ex wife, the war (he was in the army), just about everything you could imagine. I had just gotten out of jail and was seeking some sort of fun. I agree to go on a date with emotional baggage boy. He turns out to be some sort of rogue drug dealer who takes Xanax and then tries to maintain a normal conversation. He tells me, "I'll be there to pick you up at 5". I get ready, realizing this guy lives 2 hours away...so he starts driving to see me...at 7pm. For those of you who know me, you know I hate lateness. What the fuck....2 hours late, with a 2 hour drive? I'm on state probation, I have to be home at 10:30 via state curfew. So, I agree to hang out with the dude for like an hour and a half, and he promises next time he'll be later. He calls me several times on the phone along the way, giving me a fucking play-by-play of every turn he makes, every exit he passes. I continually roll my eyes, what the fuck have I gotten myself into? Douche bag finally shows up. Talking to him is like kicking a dead horse. I don't understand how we could sit and have a 3 hour phone conversation and then when we meet there is NOTHING for us to converse about. Oh boy, this is gonna be the longest night of my life. I decide a nice way to break the ice is to kiss him. We proceed to have sex in his non air conditioned vehicle...its not great, but its not terrible. The dude definately told me he had some sort of monster penis and that his ex-black girlfriend told all her friends how great in bed he was...obviously she was not a good judge of these things. He had a very average penis, and was very vanilla. After the sodomy is over, he asks "Well, how was it?" and I tell him, "oh baby, amazing." He leaves...

PART 2: It gets worse

Two weeks pass, I decide to give the dude a chance again. This time, he is only a mere 3 hours late...and stays with me for a measly two hours. He gives me a recap of Iraq on his drive here to get me. I roll my eyes at his lame story. He shows up, and I decide I am horny, so we're gonna try this whole sex thing again. Again, I am disappointed. I get bent over the side of his broke down work truck, fucked for 3 minutes and then he gets back in the car. I fix my freshly fucked makeup, and light up a cig. He just sits there. Staring at me, like a rapist. Nodding his head and smiling. Then the dreaded words escaped his mouth..."so, are you like, my girlfriend???" WHAT THE FUCK! Really? I just wanted to run away at that very moment. "I reply...really...no." He responds with "oh, cause I'm not seeing anyone else and I really like you." Ok...well I'm seeing like 5 other people, and you and I have nothing in common, how could you possibly think I was your girlfriend after spending 3 hours total with me? This was it...the end of our relationship. He would later go on to call me several times, leaving voicemail's asking what he did wrong. Everything. You, sir, did everything wrong.

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