The Worst Sex of My Life (ok, I fucking deserved it)

The worst sex of my life was with Jesse. I won't disclose his last name in order to prevent further humiliation. My night started out lame. I just wanted to go do something. I was newly single, feeling my freedom, so I went out with someone who isn't quite up to my physical standards. We went out drinking that night (I was also in the middle of a nasty phase with pills so I was pretty fucked up). The guy was lame. At The Cellar, I met up with 2 pretty hot guys, and proceeded to buy drugs from one in the bathroom while my date sat lonely on the couch inside. The guy I was buying them off was pretty hot, so what did I do? I bent over and open sesame! I went back out to my date who still sat clueless in that same spot. I told him we needed to leave. By this point I was mortified that I was out with this dork, so I proceeded to get as wasted as possible. Inevitably, I ended up making out with dork-o and then we went to his place. I figured maybe God blessed him with a big dick to make up for what a loser he was. No. Average. OK....maybe God blessed him with great oral skills. No. Below average and I was too faded to instruct him. So I gave him head for all of 2 minutes when he started convulsing like a seizuring old man in a nursing home. I thought maybe he was done...maybe we could just leave his house now, but no, just like a horny pre-pubescent boy he was off to the races again. We tried EVERY position known to man, but this kid had the WORST rhythm ever. I mean, I could have had better sex with a washing machine than with him. He was sloppy, I know he must have been a bad dancer. He had bonier hips than a Holocaust victim as he thrusted the shit out of me for the longest 8 minutes of my life. How do I know it was precisely 8 minutes? Because I was watching the clock the whole time, saying the dirtiest shit I could just to get him to bust a nut and get the fuck off of me. Regardless, he took me home that night, and I jumped in the shower like a rape victim to try and erase the awfulness off of me. I never talked to him again. I think I must have deserved it though, for fucking the random drug dealer in the bathroom while Mr. Dorky Pants sat outside twiddling his thumbs.