Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Just Call Me "Oral B"
I was about 15 when I discovered the wonderful world of Skin-a-max. You know, late at night on Cinemax when they change it over to soft core porn? That night I was sitting on my sister's couch (she had just gotten married and I was spending the night while her and her new husband were sleeping in the other room), just flipping through channels when I saw a boob. So now, I was intrigued and started watching. My sister is 11 years older, so this might have been less embarrassing if we were closer in age. So anyways, my sister walks out of the bedroom and said "Oh haha, isn't this softcore porn funny?" And I say "Yeah, I'm just watching for comedic value." She then walks back into the bedroom, a place I was sure she was now going to stay for the rest of the night. So I'm watching this porn and I'm getting horny...I haven't discovered the fine art of free internet porn yet, so I'm fascinated with seeing this shit...no penetration, no penis just boobs and grinding. So I'm laying on the couch and I start masturbating...I got off like 3 times when I remembered I have an electric toothbrush in my overnight bag. I've never tried this whole thing before, so I'm all excited and really enjoying myself. I get off like...10 more times when I hear a door open. Oh fuck. I throw the toothbrush off of me, and try to conceal the loud vibrating noises coming from it. My sister looked horrified and said "Kelly what the fuck are you doing?" And I say "Nothing." Then she said..."What's that noise???" Now I'm sitting on the toothbrush, which is still vibrating on my naked vagina...and bam...it happens...I cum again...I'm like sitting there, my eyes rolling back into my head, making faces and trying not to scream! In front of my sister, who now says "Ew what the fuck?" and runs back into the bedroom. Then I turn the toothbrush off, put it back into my bag, and leave the house. The next day was, well, extremely awkward...we didn't talk like all day. Somehow she figured out it was the electric toothbrush, because a few weeks later, I went to dinner with her and all her friends when one of them asks me "Hey, are you Oral B?" That's when I learned that embarrassment is only situational and you should never masturbate at a family member's house...unless you're in the bathroom.