Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I went to Starbucks one day, (drunk off my ass), and was approached by a guy who started talking to me, and eventually asked me for my phone number. He was an ex-semi pro baseball player named Matt and the guy was pretty decent looking. I texted my friend to tell her the news, upon which she told me that this guy was a weirdo. Me, being the little investigator I am sometimes, decide to find out for myself. I agree to have sushi with him that night. While sitting at his apartment, I notice all these bizarre statues all over the place and candles, and crystals. Like, this place looked like someone was about to do a human sacrifice. I need to get a little more liquored up before we go to dinner, so Matt proceeds to give me a whole bottle of wine, which I drank. With my inhibitions gone, he starts talking to me about fetishes and secrets. I reveal to him that I really don't have any fetishes...he says to me "ok, well can I tell you mine?" and I say, "go for it." Matt then tells me that he is interested in settling down in a feeder/feedee relationship. Now, if you don't know what that is, it's when one person tries to fatten the other person up as much as they can. Hey, big people need love too...but then this guy tells me, he wants to weigh approximately 500lbs and that he would feel soooo sexy like that. At this point, I'm a little creeped out by this wannabe heart attack waiting to happen, but again, I'm drunk so what the hell. We go to dinner, and come back to his place. This is when things start to get worse...Matt goes over a grabs this box, with all these crystals in it. He tells me about the healthy energy they provide and blah blah blah. He then pulls out the giant crystal, which I am convinced he is going to use to murder me. He puts the crystal up to my head..."oh shit, that's it, he's gonna kill me with a fucking crystal," I'm thinking. Then he says what would turn out to be the best pickup line ever... "Kelly, do you know what this crystal is telling me?" I shake my head. "The crystal is telling me we should have sex." LMAO. Really? Your crystal told you that? What a fag. Ok, so now I'm like...alright, I'm a pretty trashed, so maybe I should see what this guy is working with. We have sex...its decent, but during it, this dude just won't bust, and I'm kind of over it at this point. I'm trying to think of something to make him hurry up...so I pull out the hottest, most sexual thing I can think of and scream it out... "OH YEAH BABY Imagine me baking you cupcakes and jamming them in your mouth, forcing you to eat them all so you get ripe and fat and juicy!" Wow, it has occured to me that maybe I am a little too open-minded. Long story short, I never saw the starbucks psycho aka crystal fuck ever again. I do have recurring nightmares about him though.