Friday, January 20, 2012

Frankenpenis

It's inevitible that when you're as sexually active as I am, you are bound to encounter some strange yet wonderful things. This is not one of those times. Strange, yes. Wonderful...ummm....not so much. I was invited to a male friend's house to smoke some weed and "hang out". Me being the whore that I am, assumed this meant get high and fuck. We sat down and smoked and there was this ugly little stripper bitch sitting on the couch with her fiancee (she was 18, he was 29...ew). Anyways, little stripper bitch was trying desperately to impress me, but alas, I couldn't get my focus off her FUPA, cankles, and cum-pocket chin. I suggested to my male friend that we go into the bedroom (this is code for sex). I jumped on his bed, and he sat on the couch. Ummm...what the fuck. Ok, so then stripper bitch who I will now call "cock block bitch" decides she's gonna walk into his room and sit on the couch and also watch TV.

I'm plotting my sexual plan at this point. I debate grabbing him and trying to make her uncomfortable by sucking his cock in front of her...but then I realize she'll probably try and join us and God forbid, I couldn't touch that...not even high. The phone rings. It turns out to be another ugly stripper bitch. This one reminds me of a gangly dorky version of Raggedy Ann. She had a manly voice and fake tits and these fucking coke bottle glasses. And where did she sit? Next to cock block stripper. Jesus. They get up and leave the room and shut the door. I say to male clueless friend "Umm....so are we not gonna fuck or...?" He responds "I didn't really know that was an option." Wait up....hold the phone...I suggest going to your bedroom, I jump on your bed, I bend over in front of you, and you didn't figure sex was an option? I'm appalled. So I say "Yes it is."Grab him, and kiss him. I pull away and in my subtle nature I say "So show me your dick." He responds..."Umm....there's something I should tell you first."

Pause. Ok...now if this has ever happened to you, you know something bad or shocking is about to happen. I'm thinking The HIV or something. I looked at him slightly curiously..."Are you embarrassed?" I ask. He says "No. I am a little intimidated though." Ok....normal, I am a little intimidating. Then...the big secret is revealed. He starts hesitantly..."Well, see I had this accident when I was a kid..." Oh SHIT...here it comes... "...and, umm I sorta had my dick cut off." WHOA. Now I became ever more curious. I did the most natural thing that came to mind and asked if I could see it. Reluctantly he pulled down his pants to reveal what can only be described as a giant zit/pothole/volcano. I reacted with "Ew! Oh oops...sorry, my bad didn't mean to say ew..." (yes I did). So now that I was officially dried up like a 90 year old woman who's undergone female circumcision, I decided I needed to abandon ship. I told him I was going out to eat because I was really hungry (yup, cut off cock's make me hungry). He asked if I would come back...I wanted to say "Dude you just showed me your severed penis and you expect me to continue hangin out with you?" But I didn't. I told him "maybe" and left to fuck someone who actually does have a dick.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

NO I'm NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE

So in order for this story to make any sense, i have to start from the beginning of how I got myself into this little predicament. Like any other self respecting female, if someone is boring, I will blow them as a consolation prize and move on to the next guy. Somehow I ended up on a date with this lame little douche bag with a squ-oval shaped head. (Squ-oval is a squarish oval btw). He was 19, and was one of those guys that thinks bragging to me about all the hot chicks he's supposedly had sex with is gonna make me suddenly cream my magic panties and jump all over his dick like a midget on a trampoline. Really...it's Bradenton Florida. There's maybe 10 hot chicks in this whole town, and I highly doubt you've fucked any of them because you look like a character from a Disney Pixar film. Anyways, moving on.

On top of Squ-Oval's lame "I've fucked hot bitches" stories, he was pretty fucking boring. I almost instantly knew I wasn't going to donate my vagina to this kid. There was a lot of silence and boredom and me chugging 2 pitchers of beer at Winghouse in order to make him a little more interesting. Consequently, I ended up on a tiny adventure. I texted this guy who was hot and didn't have the personality of a corpse, and said "Hey, come get me." Well he lived in Venice, so I knew it was going to take him a minute to drive up, but I simply couldn't stand another minute with Squ-Oval.  I asked Squ-Oval to drop me off at Hess. He agreed. I felt the need after 2 pitchers of beer to see if Squ-Oval's penis was the same shape as his head, so I unzipped his pants. I blew him because he had a decent penis and hey, I'm a good sport. He left me at Hess.

After sitting at this Hess station for approximately 20 minutes realizing there were no hot guys getting gas that day, I decided to take a little walk down 41. My mistake. I walked up to the Citgo and a Larry the Cable Guy look-a-like asked me if I needed a ride. Now, being that I was drunk and...oh I forgot to mention about 7 painkillers deep, I said yeah, just drop me off at Mi Casa on University. So we started to walk out to his car. As he was eye-fucking me, I realized something. This dude thought I was a hooker. I needed to step up and assure him I was not.

He grabbed me by the hand and walked me around the back of the Citgo. I definately thought I was going to be raped then murdered,so I ripped his hand off me and said "I'm not a hooker dude." He said "Ok. Are you a cop then? I told him no. Upon saying this, he looked at me and with a country accent said "How big are your nipples?" UMMMMM...I really needed to leave. I looked at Larry the Cable Guy and in my most serious voice ever, I said "You are a fat fucking creeper and even if I was a hooker, I wouldn't fuck you...please go die somewhere." After making my statement and him responding with "You little cunt," I hauled ass. I mean, literally full on sprinted as far away from this fucking Citgo station as humanly possible. I called my Venice man who thankfully was like a block away.

I ended up having amazing sex on the beach that night with Venice boy which made up for my crappy ass day...and seriously ya'll, I'm not a fucking prostitute.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Bang Bros Poop Shoot

I can admit when I've done something embarrassing, and think it's inevitable that when you're getting violently rammed in the ass, sometimes things don't always go well. Unfortunately, it happened to me at my first Bang Bros shoot. Everyting was going fine, minus the fact that I brought anal numbing lube, and my unfortunate male co-star became the victim of a tingling non-functioning penis. I used an enema, did everything as planned, and make it a general rule to not have anal sex unless it's the ummm...right time. I take pride on the fact that out of the 100+ times I've done anal, there have only been a couple of accidents. The one time when I really cared about there not being an accident, there was...even more embarrassing is the fact that it was caught on camera.

Anyways, back to the story. He's banging me anally doggy style and everything was fine...but as soon as we hit the reverse cowgirl and my legs are almost shaking from the amount of pressure I'm putting on them from riding him up and down, the shit, literally hit the fan. I of course was unaware until my co-star said "Uhhhh....cut, little accident here." I turned around and my worst fears were confirmed. He was covered in poop and lube. Oh jesus. He ran to the bathroom as I faced the cameraman, absolutely mortified. I was also dreading the fact that I had to continue the anal sex scene despite the fact that I was sure it was all downhill from there. I went to the bathroom cleaned up, and my co-star came back out. Thankfully, he's mature enough to realize that sometimes shit happens...it's only natural. As we continued the scene, I was happy only a few minutes remained. After concluding our anal fiasco, I sat on the couch. I stood up, looked behind me, and yeah, definately left poop on his friends beautiful leather couch. I quickly cleaned the couch up, then myself.

It's going to be a long time before I do any anal scenes again because I can think of nothing worse of pooping on someone else. I also advise you that if you're going to fuck a girl (or a guy in some cases) in the ass, that you wear a condom....because you never know when you're gonna end up knee deep in shit. I have also earned the nickname "Slug-O" by my co-star and cameraman. Thankfully now, it's just an ongoing joke and I'm keeping my ass to myself.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Virgin Video

About 3 years ago, I came in contact with a totally hot bunch of IMG baseball players, and immediately started hanging out with them. One night, I happened to be at a party, which was pretty typical of my lifestyle at the time. I proceeded to get trashed and was approached by one of my cute baseball player guys. He told me that one of their friends was a virgin and that I needed to fix this problem. I have a HUUUUUGE virgin fetish, so I was happy to oblige. We went into this room during the party and started getting naked, and me being the sensitive female that I am, I wanted this to be a special moment. Yet, virgin forgot to lock the door, and in walked several of his friends. I said, hey if you guys wanna watch, that's up to him. He agreed. We started playing around...this is when shit got funny. Imagine a bunch of drunk 16 and 17 year old boys, who decide a video camera is the best way to do this. So they go grab a camera...now virgin is nervous, and can't get hard because his friends are standing around us watching him lose his virginity. So then, I decide, how about we have our videographers hide in the closet. So they do. Now periodically through the sex, we have random kids walking in the room, opening the door watching, and two hiding in the closet videotaping. Everyone was laughing, several little girls were extremely offended, and overall it was probably the funniest way anyone could ever lose their virginity. Needless to say, the night turned out to get even crazier, but that's a whole 'nother story. I still talk to my video virgin, who has turned into quite the little stud muffin...I'm just happy his career in front of the camera started with me!

Tripod

Only twice in my 25 years have I met a man with 3 testicles. Once was when I was about 15 years old...he was a kid, and it scared me, because I had never seen a penis IRL, and I had certainly never seen 3 balls. The other experience happened fairly recently and it still leaves a small scar.

I went out to dinner with a nice guy...we had good conversation, and perhaps too much good wine. After all of this, and swearing I would not have sex with him, I ended up in the Sleep Inn with my panties around my ankles. We started to kiss and things were getting quite heated. I did the next right thing...I reached my hand down his Dockers (yes, I know, who wears Dockers? ew.) I felt a penis...normal. But upon further gynocological exploration, I discovered something much more frightening: A third nut. Wait...this is where I removed my hand...took another gamble and figured maybe I was imagining the little bonus. So I pulled the Dockers off for further inspection. He didn't say a word. This is more shocking than anything...because if I had, say, a third nipple...I would certainly warn someone before they noticed it. So I looked...just as I suspected. The 3-Balled Man had struck again! Now I want you to imagine this. 3 nuts looks like...a wild squirrel trapped in a burlap sack...it looks like...a unicorn in a field of daisys...mythical, strange, and downright shocking. I halfway thought it was going to pop out of there and poke my eye out or something. I looked up at Tripod (who I have nicknamed for obvious reasons) with a peculiar face. "Do you know about this?" Then...the worst answer in the history of the world..."I know you like to play with balls anyways...just imagine you're with 2 guys."

Ok. Wait. 2 guys...but one of them is Lance Armstrong? Is that the fantasy we're playing out? No no no. I proceeded to drink more wine...and finally after much begging and pleading on his part about how, it's not his fault, and it's cool, and what not...I drank even more wine...and then, I had sex with him. I had to. After all, how many opportunities in a lifetime does the chance to fuck a tripod come up?

Taking One For The Team

Well, I love virgins, everyone knows that...but some virgins, even I wouldn't fuck with someone else's vaginas. There's a reason why some people are still virgins...sure, for some it's by choice, but for even more, it's because no one would willingly have sex with them. At 16, I was fairly new into the whole "sex" thing. I lost my virginity at age 15, and had kind off sworn sex off since the first 2 times sucked so bad, until I finally met someone who turned my whole world upside down. (but thats another story). Anyways, I was 16, and decided do something crazy...I drove to meet with these two older trouble makers that I had a big crush on. I didn't know it at this point, but for every 2 hots guys, there's one ugly friend. In this case, it was a fat ugly friend. Of course they took me to his house...and me and the 2 hot guys had some fun...and I thought that was the end of it...but all of the sudden, I get propositioned. Hot boy #1 pulls me off to the side. "You know Cort is a virgin right?" I shake my head. Hot boy #2 "Yeah, and he's 18. And still a virgin, that must really suck huh?" Me being a stupid young high school girl says "Yeah, that must really suck. But I'm not having sex with him...he's fat." They both say "That's fucked up..." Then they make me an offer I couldn't refuse (at the time anyways). Hot boy #1 "We'll pay you $50, and give you a 1/4 of weed if you do it." Fuck...weed and $50? This offer is looking pretty good to me at this point...So I say fuck...I'm gonna take one for the team. I first gather my $50...then put the weed into my bra. I grab fatty by the hand, throw him on the bed, and tell him we're gonna do it. I take two precautions for certain: make sure he keeps his shirt on and make sure we only do reverse cowgirl so I don't have to look at him. So...we do it...I close my eyes the whole time and pretend that fatty is someone else...then I notice his friends are watching, so I decide to put on a show for them...I'm riding this fat kid, and I just slap him across the face as hard as I can and call him my "porky little bitch". The hot boys are smoking weed and they start laughing hysterically...which makes me laugh...and ironically, makes fatty cum. OH THANK GOD...it was over. Retarded, but a lifesaver!

The aftermath: Me taking fatty's virginity was not only awful, but it was also going to turn fatty into a stalker. Fatty started meeting me after school, trying to get me to hook up with him again, and mailing me love letters. Thankfully I moved out of state and fatty didn't get the opportunity to see me ever again...Ironically, he found me on facebook 8 years later and added me. Who could forget getting called a porky little bitch during sex and cumming from it???

Why I Had To Change Gynocologysts

Well, as much as I hate to admit it, even I get embarrassed sometimes. This just happens to be one of the more mortifying experiences of my life....

I was 19, and I had this really hot gynocologist. Like, I would usually dread getting my uterus poked and prodded but I couldn't wait for this guy to check out my vag. Knowing I had an appointment that day, I decided to shave up for the occasion. So I went into my bathroom, shaved everything and picked up a towel to dry off with, put on a clean pair of panties, and headed on my way. I got to the office and Dr. McDreamy was there as usual. I'm sitting on the table waiting to be examined and lay back. I look down and he's making this weird face. Then he smiles. Ok, he likes my twat...cool, I'm thinking. Then he says "well, isn't that nice...and so...different..." I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck is this guy talking about? Then he drops the bomb. "I've never seen anyone put glitter on their vagina before...must have a special night planned." I think I turned 3 shades of red when I remembered that the towel I had used to wipe my coochie off with was covered with glitter because I had spilled my eye sparkly shit all over, and used that to clean it up with. Only me. I kind of just ignored what he said, and figured it couldn't get any worse, but then, of course, it did. He started to do the pelvic exam...lubed up his 2 fingers and stuck them up inside me, and started feeling around, and the SECOND worst thing that could happen, did. I had an orgasm. My FUCKING GYNOCOLOGIST gave me an orgasm, from a PELVIC EXAM. I started squirming around on the table, and my legs started spasming like crazy...I was so embarrassed, I wanted to die. Dr. McDreamy just kind of looked at me, and then said "Don't worry, that's perfectly normal." What the fuck????!!!! It's normal to cum from a pelvic exam? Sorry doc, but I'm gonna have to disagree on that one...it sure as hell doesn't seem normal to me! Well, needless to say, my vagina was perfectly normal, a bit too glittery and excited, but ok...and I never EVER went back to see Dr. McDreamy again. I can only imagine what he talked about at the bar that night after work. Glitter McOrgasm Puss.

Joyland:House of a 1000 Hookups

Everytime I go to Joyland I have an interesting experience. So I have broken this down into two Joyland stories which I find to be the most entertaining.

Part One: This incident happened about two years ago, my first trip to Joyland ever. I met up with my two friends, and we drove to Joyland, not knowing what to expect. One of my friends introduced me to another guy, Will. Will was adorable, younger than me (which I love), and was really fun so we started hanging out in the club. He drank...and drank...and proceeded to keep drinking. We make out, things are going ok (even though he's smashed), and we proceed to run out to the truck with the intention of hooking up. The guy starts getting undressed, with his door open (which I attribute to 20+ beers), and now has his pants off. I start to make my move, and bam! He falls out of the truck, onto the ground, butt ass naked. WTF. I am pissed, but willing to help him out, so I get out of the truck and try to help him up, but this drunk fucker won't listen to a word I say. He then starts puking. This was enough puke to fill up a landfill...so here I am, with a drunken idiot, who is naked, puking next to his truck. I have a high tolerance of what I can put up with so I attempt to deal with it. Then...guess who walks up? A fucking cop. He says "He needs to get dressed, or I am going to arrest him right now." I say "ok, I'll do my best." I start dressing Will and take him back inside with me. I sit him down at a table, where he proceeds to pass out. Plan B, I see 2 of my former fuck buddies who promptly drag me outside with them, and we end up having a threesome in the woods behind what is now Country Buffet (i think). I go back inside, hand Will some gum, and proceed to make out with him. I dunno what was worse...me kissing a guy who just puked, or him kissing me,who had just swallowed a gravyboat full of cum? Probably a tie. Regardless, we all left and that was the end of it. I still don't know Will's last name, nor do I really want to.

Part Two: This Halloween was interesting, not only did I wear the sluttiest costume humanly possible, but I went to Joyland with the goal of hooking up with a random guy in the bathroom. As soon as I walked into the bar, I saw a slew of country boys (which I like), along with this sexy dude wearing an Evan Longoria costume. (Basically just a jersey, cleats, and baseball pants, and a hat). I immediately run over and start hitting on Longoria. I tell him, "Yo, you're sexy...I'll be around if you wanna chill." I leave...if he wants me...he'll come find me. Well, find me he does. As I am on the phone, I feel a tug...it's Longoria and he's yanking me outside. I don't know his name, nor do I care, so we go between 2 cars and start making out...and then he pulls out...a giant dick...I mean, it's like Jesus just granted me the Halloween dick of my dreams...I go to work...then, I say, what the hell and we move over to the corner behind Joyland and start fucking on top of this Jeep. I mean, this is good sex, I am quite happy with the turn of events this evening, and we continue going at it. This is where it gets weird...I thought maybe the car that we were fucking on top of was his...when out walk these two fat bitches who start heading in direction. What did we do? Stop fucking? Nope. We kept going. Fat Bitch #1 starts screaming..."Get the fuck off my car, what's wrong with you people!?" Longoria does the coolest thing ever...he looks at the fat bitches and says "You guys can watch or you can join in...either way, I am not leaving this pussy til I'm done." AWESOME. The fat bitches are in shock, turn around and let us finish. Yes, they really LET US FINISH on top of THEIR CAR! We then climb off the car, go back inside, and part ways...we don't exchange numbers, and I still don't know his name.

The point of these stories is: Joyland seems like kind of a shitty place, but really, there is a lot of quality ass to find there. So good luck and happy fucking.

Nobody Likes A Drunk Prude

So in college, there was a gorgeous guy I was dying to get to know. I got all excited because he invited me to a party. I drive to his home in Riviera Dunes and it is soooo much better than I ever could have imagined. He has a Ferrari in the driveway and the house is amazing. At this point in my life, I was trying a new theory...maybe if I don't put out right away this guy will like me, we'll fall madly in love and this will be my life. Well, I discovered that wasn't a very good plan. We all started drinking, from what I can recall (although I got fucking hammered) we started playing truth or dare and I ended up making out with this totally hot girl. A little after this, all the people go outside to the hot tub while I stay inside with Mr. Perfect. I'm drunk by now and Mr. Perfect can tell, so he takes me by the hand into his bedroom (you already know where this is going). My stomach is churning and I want him to think I'm "not a slut" so we started making out, and he starts to undress me. I stop him. What? Yes, I actually did stop him. I then said, maybe we'll continue this later, let's go outside to the hot tub. So we go and I get naked and sit on his lap in the hot tub. I continue to drink and at some point he says he wants to take me up to go to sleep. I agree, and we go up the stairs and I lay down naked, and he crawls on top of me. God, I regret this to this day 4 years later. I actually pushed Mr. Perfect off of me and told him I wanted to sleep. What a fucking cock-tease! That's probably one of the meanest things I've ever done to a man...well...at that point. So he leaves, I pass out, and about 2 hours later, I wake up and need to puke sooooo bad. If this has ever happened to you, you know what I'm saying when I tell you I could not locate the bathroom even though it was right in front of me. I was that drunk. So what do I do? I pick up the nearest object to puke in...which happens to be a white Lacoste sweater (approximate value $150). I vomit profusely all over the carpet and the sweater and debate what to do next. Should I hide the sweater? Yes, I'm totally gonna hide it. So I kneel down and start to throw the puke sweater when the door swings open and Mr. Perfect walks in. I remember the horrified look on his face as he saw me, the anti-sex girl, naked on the floor, hiding a $150 sweater, puke all over his white carpet...it was along the lines of "Holy shit, I'm gonna kill this bitch..." Well, he flipped. He started screaming and chasing me around the room with the sweater, meanwhile flinging puke all over me. So being the drunk asshole I am, I jump on the bed and say, "I'm going back to sleep" He leaves the room cussing me out. So not only am I a prude now, I'm a stupid drunk bitch who just ruined your house. There was no redeeming myself, and the next day I did the walk of shame out of his house, puke still in my hair, and never heard from him again.The point of this story is, if you're gonna get plastered, at least have sex with the house owner, because at least you did that much to make up for it.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

So recently, I hung out with someone who appeared to be incredible. Like super duper good-looking, quite successful, and very well known (but will remain nameless). I couldn't wait to get it on with him...really. So he takes me on what I think might be a date, which ends up being a sex-date. A sex date is when a guy lures you out under false pretenses of going to see a movie, or go get dinner, then takes you to his house, and proceeds to take off his clothes and then expects you to do the same...which, because girls are sluts, they usually do. So anyways, we get to his house...he's kinda boring. Its one of those guys that you try so hard to make conversation with, that you just give up and say, "well, I can't get him to talk, so I might as well just fuck him." So we start getting it on...we're making out, it's kinda sexy, and then...yep...you guessed it...Hottie McHotHot pulls out a really skinny-5 incher-on- a -good-day penis. Now, it's not that I have some gaping abyss of a vagina, but size does matter. Don't let girls lie to you guys, you should either go to XTC and get a dick extender or expect to be cheated on the rest of your life, unless you fuck midgets...I hear they have shallow vaginas. Anyways, the dude is so hot, and is a pro-athlete, so I expect he must have good rhythm, right? WRONG! He does what i like to call call "jack-rabbiting" and whoever invented it should be shot. Jackrabbiting is when someone does these spastic little quick, shallow thrusts, much like what a rabbit does. And then on top of the jackrabbiting, he starts trying to swirl his hips. Epic fail. Honestly, at this point I was like...ok I'm gonna try and teach him, so I am trying to help out his thrust. Hard, deep thrusting is a good thing guys...But no, he doesn't want my help, so I continue to barely feel his tiny penor, and endure this awful jackrabbiting bullshit for another 5 minutes when he gets off me (thank god), and goes to throw the condom away. After this, I tell him to drive me to another friend's house(because obviously I am not satisfied) where I proceed to have some of the best sex of my natural born life...I never spoke to "The JackRabbit" ever again, and you can walk away with this, just because someone is hot and seems to have it all, does not mean they're good in bed. LOOKS can be a fucking deceiving bitch.

I'm a trooper.

Ok, this is gonna be a more nasty story, but since I think it's kind of funny I'm gonna write it anyways. So I found this sexy guy, and he's getting me mad horny, but I'm on my period. The only thing I can do is pretend I'm not, to assure we can fuck. So I lie and say I'm not. We get it on, he goes down on me, I cum....it's amazing sex....but it's dark and I now go in the bathroom and it's like a fucking massacre in there. On top of that, he now has my blood all over his penis...so basically it comes down to this...I can either let it go and let him see the war on his dick, or I can quickly lick it off before he notices...so me, being the trooper that i am, I lick it off...quickly, slickly...it was like it never happened...THANK GOD he didn't notice or he'd probably never talk to me again.

Just Call Me "Oral B"

I was about 15 when I discovered the wonderful world of Skin-a-max. You know, late at night on Cinemax when they change it over to soft core porn? That night I was sitting on my sister's couch (she had just gotten married and I was spending the night while her and her new husband were sleeping in the other room), just flipping through channels when I saw a boob. So now, I was intrigued and started watching. My sister is 11 years older, so this might have been less embarrassing if we were closer in age. So anyways, my sister walks out of the bedroom and said "Oh haha, isn't this softcore porn funny?" And I say "Yeah, I'm just watching for comedic value." She then walks back into the bedroom, a place I was sure she was now going to stay for the rest of the night. So I'm watching this porn and I'm getting horny...I haven't discovered the fine art of free internet porn yet, so I'm fascinated with seeing this shit...no penetration, no penis just boobs and grinding. So I'm laying on the couch and I start masturbating...I got off like 3 times when I remembered I have an electric toothbrush in my overnight bag. I've never tried this whole thing before, so I'm all excited and really enjoying myself. I get off like...10 more times when I hear a door open. Oh fuck. I throw the toothbrush off of me, and try to conceal the loud vibrating noises coming from it. My sister looked horrified and said "Kelly what the fuck are you doing?" And I say "Nothing." Then she said..."What's that noise???" Now I'm sitting on the toothbrush, which is still vibrating on my naked vagina...and bam...it happens...I cum again...I'm like sitting there, my eyes rolling back into my head, making faces and trying not to scream! In front of my sister, who now says "Ew what the fuck?" and runs back into the bedroom. Then I turn the toothbrush off, put it back into my bag, and leave the house. The next day was, well, extremely awkward...we didn't talk like all day. Somehow she figured out it was the electric toothbrush, because a few weeks later, I went to dinner with her and all her friends when one of them asks me "Hey, are you Oral B?" That's when I learned that embarrassment is only situational and you should never masturbate at a family member's house...unless you're in the bathroom.

The Pocket Sized Guido...aww cute

So one night I decide to meet this guy off Zoosk. He sent me a message was 35, a guido (totally my type), and he asked me to go to dinner with him, so I obliged (I'm never one to turn down a free dinner). He comes to pick me up, has a nice car, and a decent body. So we're driving and I look over and start to notice some of his small features. His head is on the small side, his hands are super tiny, and I just can't figure this shit out. So I say to him..."How tall are you?" and he says "Why? What does that matter?" And I respond with "Well I am 5'10." And then I look down...and notice the extenders on his pedals. Oh my god...I'm out with a little person. "I'm 4'7'" I respond with something I think will make him feel a little better..."Well that's cool, I dated a guy who was 5'2." We go to dinner and I'm tryin to have fun, but it's hard to have fun at a Japanese steak house when everyone is staring at you and pointing...like you tucked your skirt into your panties or something. They would look at me, and then look at him and then look back at me. So I do what I always do in these predicaments, I drink to the point where everyone looks good and everyone looks...taller. We leave the place, and I tell him to take me to a bar so I can drink more. We end up going to Evie's aka my local hangout. Little Guido climbs up the stool and sits down...then this drunk 40-something lady comes over and sits next to him. I proceed to get drunker and go up and sing karaoke. When I get back, they're like old pals. She looks at me and says "OMG he's like "the situation" only pocket sized! So sexy!" I smile and nod, and keep drinking. He's starting to become really lame, so I tell him if he's not gonna drink, he can leave and I'll find my own way home...but no...he WON'T leave! He tells me "I'm gonna hang out with Sheila here." WTF. Did I just get dicked over by a little person? So I don't get laid and I get abandoned by a little man at the bar? I'm pissed at this point, so I walk to the bathroom, come back, grab little man, and passionately kiss him in front of Sheila. Then I push him away, and say "There! Now I can say I made out with a dwarf." And storm off. Fuck that...I'm fucking Evil Barbie and no little pocket sized guido fucker is gonna ditch me and get away with it!

Mr. Baby Dick

If there's one thing worse than a guy with a small penis, it's a guy who has a small penis, but thinks it's big. That's what happened when I met James, a person a secretly started to despise because of his insistence of over compensation. James was a former army guy who I met on myspace. He was one of those people that looked good from far, but far from good. In pics he was ok looking, nothing spectacular and he was dating a fat chick. Which in my opinion, automatically makes you uglier. I really had no intention of having sex with this person, but like most things go, no one is ugly after 2 am when you're trashed off one too many Bud Lights. So he goes down on me. He considers himself some sort of "Clit Commander" which he really wasn't. In fact, he sucks. I'm having to picture hot chicks and Channing Tatum when he's going down on me. Then came the reveal of this so called "spectacular penis" James had. I remember he looked at me with this sort of semi-rapist gleam in his eye like "oh baby you are gonna worship me for this." Then he starts to pull down his pants, and I see this little bitty baby dick. Wait, stop. This is what you were so excited to show me? Shit, we probably could have had better sex if he would have just kept his dick in his pants. But wait, it gets worse. We start doing it, and I'm trying every position so that I can just feel his little dick better...and while I'm finagling my body into these bizarre kama sutra-esque poses, he's saying things like "Oooh girl, do you like this big ol' dick?" and "Yeah bitch, take my big cock." Really, I thought this dude was delusional. Did he really think 4 inches was a big dick? Now, you don't normally tell a guy his dick is unusually peculiarly small...thats like a guy telling a girl that her pussy smells like a tuna sandwich, but homeboy was really starting to bug me with his gay little comments that he learned from watching way too much porn on a scrambled TV as a kid. So I'm making all these faces of disgust, and finally I just come right out and say it. "Can you please get off me? I'm feeling nauseous." He reluctantly climbs off of me as I run to the bathroom. When I get back out of the bathroom, he immediately starts to try and kiss me and hold me and shit. This is what prompted my blow to his ego. "You know, you should really edit the things you say during sex. They're kind of offensive." Thats when he says "Oh, I'm sorry, do you not like being called bitch during sex?" And I said "Actually, I like being called bitch. But your tiny penis wouldn't even be considered big in China and it offends me that you think it's big." I have never been kicked out of someone's house so fast in my life. I mean, he has like one tear in his eye that he's trying to slurp back in and he's like "Get the fuck out of my house you whore." I was happy to oblige. I never saw poor James and his baby dick again, but I just have to say....I feel bad for the next girl he fucks...because it's just not up to par with all the hype.

Awwww Bummer

If there's one thing I can't stand more than a pathetically small penis, its when I'm really looking forward to fucking someone and then unzipping their pants only to find...a pathetically small penis. Maybe I was asking for it after what I did, but he told me he fucked a black girl, so I assumed if he could fill up that gaping abyss, he'd be able to do wonders with my white girl pussy...boy, was I wrong. It started out innocently enough, he picked me up in his nice car and we pull up to an equally nice house (which, of course, was not his). I get out, go inside, and start drinking some beer. He says he has to go find his friend who owned the house and had just gotten out of the shower. At this point I peek around the corner, and I spot him. The shirtless, gorgeous Colombian who smelled of sex and Acqua di Gio. I knew at this point I was in trouble. I wanted to rape this sexy foreigner and ditch his less attractive, but still pretty cute friend who had driven me there. Emergency, I thought. How can I ditch the friend and end up rolling around with Colombia? The friend who drove me went outside for what seemed like forever, so I sat on the couch next to Colombia. Things escalated pretty quickly, and I found myself sucking on this HUUUUUUUGE dick, while his friend was still outside. Friend walks in, and doesn't see me on my knees. I stop sucking. Friend goes back outside, and I continue. Now, I really wanna fuck the Colombian terribly bad. But his friend is still pretty hot, so now I have to choose. I opt for the friend who drove me because I figured if Colombia wanted to see me, I would just give him my number. So friend and I start to makeout...yeah, after I just sucked his friend's dick. The Colombia left the room, and friend is really kind of turning me on....biting my neck...etc. So I'm like, alright, rock on....time to play. Friend pulls down his pants...(it's dark), and on my knees I go....only to find what I can only describe as downright depressing. A sad little uncircumsized penis. It reminded me of one of those cocktail pig-in-a-blankets that you eat at your buddy's parent's bar-b-que. Wow. How fucking disappointing! I died a little on the inside, swallowed my sadness and stopped sucking his dick. I just couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. If I allowed him to penetrate me, it would have to go in my butt because otherwise I just wouldn't be able to feel it (and no, I don't have a giant cunt...but jesus...my tampon fucks me better than what this dude probably could). Well, he takes me home. I promptly call Colombia and arrange for a new time for us to play. Yeah, call me what you want....a bad girl, a slut, whatever. All I have to say is awwww.....bummer, Because I was so looking forward to banging friend and now I never want to see him again.

Mr. Wet Blanket

We all know him...that one dude who just doesn't get it. He plays second fiddle to his hotter friends and every once in a while he gets stuck in a fabulous predicament which works in his favor. Unfortunately, this predicament involves me and one of the worst sexual encounters of my life. The night started out fine enough, this gorgeous marine was going to pick me up, and lets just say my intentions with him were less than honorable. He picks me up, and fuck, guess who's in the backseat? Mr. Wet Blanket aka the Cock Block.We go to Evie's and start drinking. Mr. Wet Blanket is at our table too, and when he leaves to go the bathroom, I seize my opportunity and make out with marine boy.Now, lemme explain a little better....marine boy suffers from serious PTSD and I would soon experience this. We leave the bar and start heading to Mr. Wet Blanket's house so we can drink some more. I'm getting molested by hot marine guy who is sucking my tits and fingering my pussy and butthole (I think, but don't remember). So at some point, I have to pee, so I leave the room and when I come back, the marine is gone. What the fuck? I ask Mr. Wet Blanket where his much hotter friend has gone, and he says, "Shit, I think his girlfriend called and he left." Oh fuck, so now I'm stuck with lame-o. So I finish my beer until lame-o looks a little better and we sit there awkwardly for about 5 minutes. At this point, I'm like fuck, what can we do to kill 20 minutes? So I swallow my pride and start making out with Mr. Wet Blanket. Things quickly escalate and he's now attempting to fuck me with this pathetically small penis. At this point, I'm looking at my watch while Mr. Wet Blanket humps me like a dog....I'm making these fake "oh yeah...oh baby" noises and rolling my eyes (not in a good way). Finally, its over...just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he starts nuzzling up in my neck, trying to cuddle with me, and saying how nice my hair smells. Then the kid says it's his birthday tomorrow and I was the best gift ever. Oh yay, fucking good for me, I get to be Wet Blanket's mother fucking birthday present. I then get a text from hot marine man that says "....blank....really likes you". Ok, gee thanks asshole, you abandoned me with your much less attractive friend and I had awful, short, couldn't-feel-it sex with him. I hope you're both happy. Dude drops me off at home, tries to kiss me good-bye, but I turn a cheek and leave...the next day I'm getting texts saying "lets hang out." Oh hell no....you and your little pecker can go find a new victim. Never again.

An Ode To Rehab Romance

  Going to rehab was one of the best things I ever did, not because it helped me get clean, but because it lead to a whole slew of rehab romances. Now, I know what you're thinking...."oh great, a bunch of junkies gettin it on..." well basically you're right, but it was so much more than that. The first was "Smiles"... I had my eye on him from the beginning. The first time we fucked it was so wild and naughty...we snuck into this trailer in the back of the rehab center, went in the bathroom, and he bent me over a sink and just railed the shit out of me. This would be the first of many times we would hook up...but our continuation of sex would eventually lead me to 2 months in jail and getting kicked out of the program. Nevertheless, we would fuck anywhere...bathrooms, on the salad bar, in the walk in refrigerator, in a shed, in a room....it didn't matter because we were crazy about eachother.
The next brief romance was with "Tomcat" I wanted this kid so bad...he seemed sort of goofy and innocent, but the most I ever got out of him was a steamy makeout session behind the laundry room. By now, the whole rehab was starting to hear about my...adventures, and my dyke bitch of a counselor was being alerted by faggots trying to guard their own asses. I was constantly stuck being reprimanded, but I denied and denied.
After all of this I met my God. More like, my perfect sexual match. Alex, aka "Mr. Body" showed up one weekend. He was a man whore, but he was sexy as fuck. I instantly wanted him...Late that night, I snuck in his back window and we fucked like wild animals...This developed into a problem, however, because I had "Smiles" all jealous, and I wanted them both so I just kept doing them both...and then I lied about it.
Very briefly, a sexy Italian came into my life..."Barbershop Joey" was a hairstylist, and very possibly the best looking guy at rehab...(which is like being the smartest kid with down syndrome, but oh well) We had a 2 day stint of steamy makeouts...but he fucked a fat chick, so that kinda ruined him for me...then he left.
My bisexuality got the best of me when I started playing with "Juicy J". She was a really cute girl, and I think I taught her quite a bit...whenever our room mates would leave, we would play...and this soon became a problem again because she had a guilty conscience and was a bad liar. I ended up having a 3some on Christmas with "The Body" and *ugh* a not so hot chick...and told only Juicy J...and...well, to save her own ass, she turned me in, and I revealed our lesbian love affair, and all of us got kicked out and went to jail. So very lame.
Anyways, the moral is, rehab can be an eye-opening, fun experience...but you have to limit your fun or you'll go to jail like me, and whatever you do, don't tell ANYONE ...

Daquiri Deck: Happy Hour

One fine afternoon, my friend and I...I will call her "Tits" decide we're gonna go to Siesta Key. We are sitting on the beach for an excessive amount of time and my thighs are getting burnt. Not like a little pink, but full on, holy shit I just scalded myself with a pot of coffee burnt. I decide, hey what the hell...a little bit of liquor should ease the pain. So we drive away and I struggle to pull my pants on over my bathing suit. We park, and walk up to Daquiri Deck. First round is on me...yay! Two for ones...and I spot him. This sexy ass mother fucker standing at the end of the bar. He is taking pictures with old ladies and groping random drunk bitches, but I decide this is my object of lust for the next few hours. My wing-girl, "Tits" tells me to restrain my leaking panties and sit still and wait for him to come over. Said victim is now getting stared at by me...DD and her FF. He starts staring back. After 4 more daquiris, "Dick Diesel" comes over and starts to converse with us. During this convo, we discover that he has a piercing through his cock and is a recovering alcoholic...well wait, I use that term loosely since we're at a bar. We also find out that his dick ring has fallen out and he needs to go get a new one pronto or the hole is going to close up. So, my drunken ass and Tits decide we're gonna go with Dick Diesel and shop for a new cock piercing. We find one that seems like it will work. Now the mission is set that he has to put it in. Of course Tits and I are no strangers to looking at cock so we decide he can put it in in the back of her Escalade. Meanwhile, we both have to pee, so when we reach the car, we squat on either side of the doors and proceed to piss all over ourselves while Dick Diesel struggles to get his new cock piercing in....First he has this string in his cock, keeping the hole open. I am always willing to assist when it comes to penis, so I tell him I will bite the string out, thus making me a fucking hero. It comes out...for the next fucking 45 minutes however, Dick Diesel is trying desperately to put this thick ass bar through his tiny hole...well I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or not, but I decide fuck this...I'm tired of watching him play with his dick and I wanna fuck this dude. So I grab him and we start making out. Tits decides she needs to move the car, so desperately we are trying to find a new place to park. I am sucking his dick, and we're yanking off clothes left and right and my fucking sunburn, well he's slapping my thighs and mother of god does it hurt, but who am I to say no...I want that dick. My friend Tits bends backwards and is sucking his dick at a stop light while he's eating me out...then I decide I'm gonna ride him. So I sit on his lap and we are fucking right in front of the windshield, my poor friend driving us around. We're flipping everywhere doing positions...and I have this amazing orgasm...right as she's parking the car. In a church parking lot, I came...and went. I got out of the car, told him I was done using him and we drove him back to the Daquiri Deck...will I see him again? Who knows, but thanks to Tits and Dick Diesel I had one hell of a happy hour!

Embarrassment

Wow so I had a funny ass thing happen one night. I was hanging out at a friends (first time i ever met him) house and had been drinking beer. I decide I want to do a shot of captain, so I did. Well, it hit my stomach all wrong and I rushed to the bathroom. As I am shutting the door, I projectile vomit all over his floor, his door, his electric razor, his toothpaste, etc. I was like oh no...so I start cleaning up with toilet paper, and the roll runs out. I am looking around everywhere for something else to clean it up with, all I found was one towel and a shirt. His shirt, I used first...(meanwhile I shouted out of the room that I was gonna take a shower because that would explain why I was in there for so long). Haha I was cleaning up the puke thinking "this could only happen to me". So his shirt is now covered in puke, and I used the towel to clean up with next and that was covered in puke too. So I threw them in the laundry basket and tried to cover them with other clothes. I came out of the bathroom and laid down and then I started to feel really bad, so I told him. He wasn't that mad, he just wanted me to do his laundry. So as I'm walking out to do the laundry I step in dog poo with my bare feet. WTF lol...I have the worst luck ever!

Hey! I'm Emotionally Destroyed! Nice to meet you!

I met him on myspace. A normal guy it seemed. We had a pretty good conversation on the phone that night (even though previously he had tried to get with my best friend via myspace as well). He complained to me about his ex wife, the war (he was in the army), just about everything you could imagine. I had just gotten out of jail and was seeking some sort of fun. I agree to go on a date with emotional baggage boy. He turns out to be some sort of rogue drug dealer who takes Xanax and then tries to maintain a normal conversation. He tells me, "I'll be there to pick you up at 5". I get ready, realizing this guy lives 2 hours away...so he starts driving to see me...at 7pm. For those of you who know me, you know I hate lateness. What the fuck....2 hours late, with a 2 hour drive? I'm on state probation, I have to be home at 10:30 via state curfew. So, I agree to hang out with the dude for like an hour and a half, and he promises next time he'll be later. He calls me several times on the phone along the way, giving me a fucking play-by-play of every turn he makes, every exit he passes. I continually roll my eyes, what the fuck have I gotten myself into? Douche bag finally shows up. Talking to him is like kicking a dead horse. I don't understand how we could sit and have a 3 hour phone conversation and then when we meet there is NOTHING for us to converse about. Oh boy, this is gonna be the longest night of my life. I decide a nice way to break the ice is to kiss him. We proceed to have sex in his non air conditioned vehicle...its not great, but its not terrible. The dude definately told me he had some sort of monster penis and that his ex-black girlfriend told all her friends how great in bed he was...obviously she was not a good judge of these things. He had a very average penis, and was very vanilla. After the sodomy is over, he asks "Well, how was it?" and I tell him, "oh baby, amazing." He leaves...



PART 2: It gets worse

Two weeks pass, I decide to give the dude a chance again. This time, he is only a mere 3 hours late...and stays with me for a measly two hours. He gives me a recap of Iraq on his drive here to get me. I roll my eyes at his lame story. He shows up, and I decide I am horny, so we're gonna try this whole sex thing again. Again, I am disappointed. I get bent over the side of his broke down work truck, fucked for 3 minutes and then he gets back in the car. I fix my freshly fucked makeup, and light up a cig. He just sits there. Staring at me, like a rapist. Nodding his head and smiling. Then the dreaded words escaped his mouth..."so, are you like, my girlfriend???" WHAT THE FUCK! Really? I just wanted to run away at that very moment. "I reply...really...no." He responds with "oh, cause I'm not seeing anyone else and I really like you." Ok...well I'm seeing like 5 other people, and you and I have nothing in common, how could you possibly think I was your girlfriend after spending 3 hours total with me? This was it...the end of our relationship. He would later go on to call me several times, leaving voicemail's asking what he did wrong. Everything. You, sir, did everything wrong.

The Night of 1000 Interruptions

I met him on facebook...his picture was old, but god damn, he showed up and was hot as hell. I immediately could not control my pulsating vagina. We drank a shit load of beers...a decision I would later regret. We're driving around and we end up at the river...the spot where I take all of my one night stands. We decide, we're gonna fuck. So, we get out of the car and he takes me into the woods, bends me over a tree and fucks the shit out of me. I then decide I'm getting bitten by bugs, so we need to relocate. Everyone is gone kayaking, so I have on a dress. He sits at this table and I start riding him...just as we get really into it, a car drives up. Fuck. We get back in the car and decide we're gonna go to his parents island house. So we both have to pee...I get out and go pee and so does he right in front of the house. Then, we find a deserted spot, and he proceeds to fuck me better than I've ever been fucked before. I mean he seriously has me hanging out of the truck and my insides are getting scrambled. I have an amazing orgasm and so does he. We leave to go pick up weed. I proceed to give him road head while we try and find another place to fuck. I get pretty drunk, and definately end up barfing out the window and in his parents driveway. I told him at some point I was gonna fuck him while he drove. So I mounted him and rode on him until we were both having issues. He couldn't see and my legs were numb from being pinned against the wall. Then we decide to go back to the river. We take our designated spots on the bench and I start riding him...we see headlights...oh fuck, its a cop. The cop stops and he goes over and talks to the guy, who tells us we have to leave because the park is closed. So we take off, only to end up in the Publix parking lot. We can't control ourselves anymore and fuck in the truck...we both cum again....and then he took me home. The next day, my mom called him to find out if I drank...so embarrassing, but that night was wild and well worth it!

Wait. You wanna put what? Where?

Picture It: Hot evening in May, going to a Rays game with my then boyfriend who I will refer to as...Preppy and his best friend, who I will call Tumor. Tumor is nicknamed this because he is quite possibly the ugliest, dorkiest man I have ever laid eyes on, and when he lent me his Rays hat, I noticed a giant tumor protruding out of the side of a greasy panel of hair...umm no thanks, Tumor, I don't want to wear your hat all of a sudden. So anyways, me, Preppy, and Tumor start consuming mass amounts of alcohol. We snuck in a bottle of vodka, plus it's dollar beer night and we're all getting fucked up beyond belief. We have a hotel room back at the Holiday Inn. We get back and start drinking some more. I decide to take a shower...my decisions just kept getting worse. I step out of the shower to find Tumor and Preppy naked on the bed together. Ok...so...we're always trying to get Tumor laid because he's so repulsive, but jesus christ, I heard he had this horse dick, so I guess I was due to find out. I am already naked so we start getting into stuff...then...it happened...Preppy starts sucking Tumor's dick. "Oh my god...wtf my boyfriend is gay!" He assures me he's not gay, just freaky...we end up sucking Tumor's dick together...then I started making requests to see just how gay these two mother fuckers are...I told Tumor to fuck Preppy in the butt. He tried, but Tumor's dick was too big...hilarity ensued as Preppy told me how him and Tumor had done this whole "i'm not gay, but I'll try sucking your dick" thing before...jesus. The next morning I remember waking up, praying that the whole thing was just an awful nightmare...but the condoms were proof. My boyfriend was a faggot.

Munchkin

Have you ever seen the world's smallest penis? I have. I'll call it Munchkin. A friend calls me and tells me to come over...I do, in hope's of a hot and steamy 3some. I show up and the dude is fat. Fat and ugly. Whoa...not what I had in mind. I proceed to tell my friend that there is no way in hell I am having sex with Chunkmonster. He goes outside a breaks the news. Friend and I go into the bedroom and have sex. Decent. We walk out of the room. 20 mins later, Friend and I go back into the bedroom for more sex, at which time I close the door only to discover there is no door handle. We are trapped so we call Chunkmonster, to get us out. After the break out, Friend tells me Chunkmonster just saved us, so I have to at least give him head. Damn it. He's right. Pity blowjobs are the worst. Chunkmonster starts to unzip his pants and before he does he warns me...."I have a really tiny penis." The polite response is, "Oh I'm sure I've seen smaller." So he unzips and he pulls out...OFFICIALLY the smallest penis I have EVER seen. I mean even his friend couldn't stop staring at it. It was a head...and balls. Nothing else. I didn't even know what to do with it...its pretty sad when you can't feel a dick in your mouth, but really...I couldn't even bob my head up and down because it was so small. I had to use my index finger and thumb to do the tiniest hand job ever. It wasn't even a hand job...it was a finger job. I felt like I was pinching a little flap of skin. I finished the blowjob...and almost asked him to fuck me, just because I wondered what Chunkmonster would do with Munchkin...this dick could have fucked my ear...it would have been like a Q-tip. So, in answer to your question...yes, a 1 inch penis does exist right here in Ellenton Florida.

The Surfing Punk

I met Jon through a mutual friend and we quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend. He took me out everywhere, was absolutely deliciously hot, and we had a lot of fun together. I guess Jon didn't realize how umm...experienced I was sexually, because I told him some stories which caught him off guard. He told me he had only been with 2 girls, so I was all happy and shit. We went to the beach one day, and I didn't wear any makeup...which I found out was going to be the demise of our one week long relationship. After we went to the beach, we went to (take a guess)...his grandparents trailer to get it on. WTF is with all these dudes and their grandparents trailers...this just went to show me I needed to be more selective about who I sleep with. Anyways, we have sex...it's surprisingly pretty good and we leave the trailer to go to dinner @ go figure again...Applebees. While in the car, Jon tells me that I am much hotter with makeup on, and I don't look the same without it, and then he tells me he's dumping me. WTF because I wore no makeup? Shit, I must be hideous...this straight up pissed me off, so I started spitting out insults at his ass about his perfectly sculpted bleached out hair, and his little bitch hands, and his long disgusting toenails, and the fact that I found a booger in his nose. Haha. (Gimme a break, I was like 17). Well, after all this I had just simply had enough, so I balled my fist up and straight up punched this mother fucker in the face! I hit his cheek and his head went flinging into the window like a crash test dummy. He like, flipped out on me...to which I said "no, no, fuck you...you're still taking me to dinner!" This kid was straight up dumb, he took me to Applebee's and after I finished eating, I excused myself to the bathroom, left him with the check, and left with some guy I was eye fucking across the restaurant. (I told him this douche bag with the black eye had dumped me, and I wanted to get him back.) A week later, I start receiving prank calls from little girls (apparently friends of his) about how I should have never hit a guy, and that I'm some sort of man beater and they threaten to key my car. What the fuck ever...I never saw Jon again. The irony here is, that Jon later found me online and apologized for being a dickhead. I, however, never apologized for punching his stupid ass in the face.

Starbucks Psycho

I went to Starbucks one day, (drunk off my ass), and was approached by a guy who started talking to me, and eventually asked me for my phone number. He was an ex-semi pro baseball player named Matt and the guy was pretty decent looking. I texted my friend to tell her the news, upon which she told me that this guy was a weirdo. Me, being the little investigator I am sometimes, decide to find out for myself. I agree to have sushi with him that night. While sitting at his apartment, I notice all these bizarre statues all over the place and candles, and crystals. Like, this place looked like someone was about to do a human sacrifice. I need to get a little more liquored up before we go to dinner, so Matt proceeds to give me a whole bottle of wine, which I drank. With my inhibitions gone, he starts talking to me about fetishes and secrets. I reveal to him that I really don't have any fetishes...he says to me "ok, well can I tell you mine?" and I say, "go for it." Matt then tells me that he is interested in settling down in a feeder/feedee relationship. Now, if you don't know what that is, it's when one person tries to fatten the other person up as much as they can. Hey, big people need love too...but then this guy tells me, he wants to weigh approximately 500lbs and that he would feel soooo sexy like that. At this point, I'm a little creeped out by this wannabe heart attack waiting to happen, but again, I'm drunk so what the hell. We go to dinner, and come back to his place. This is when things start to get worse...Matt goes over a grabs this box, with all these crystals in it. He tells me about the healthy energy they provide and blah blah blah. He then pulls out the giant crystal, which I am convinced he is going to use to murder me. He puts the crystal up to my head..."oh shit, that's it, he's gonna kill me with a fucking crystal," I'm thinking. Then he says what would turn out to be the best pickup line ever... "Kelly, do you know what this crystal is telling me?" I shake my head. "The crystal is telling me we should have sex." LMAO. Really? Your crystal told you that? What a fag. Ok, so now I'm like...alright, I'm a pretty trashed, so maybe I should see what this guy is working with. We have sex...its decent, but during it, this dude just won't bust, and I'm kind of over it at this point. I'm trying to think of something to make him hurry up...so I pull out the hottest, most sexual thing I can think of and scream it out... "OH YEAH BABY Imagine me baking you cupcakes and jamming them in your mouth, forcing you to eat them all so you get ripe and fat and juicy!" Wow, it has occured to me that maybe I am a little too open-minded. Long story short, I never saw the starbucks psycho aka crystal fuck ever again. I do have recurring nightmares about him though.

Whoa....What did we take home?

My ex boyfriend and I were a very experimental fun couple. We loved to do all sorts of kinky things, and threesomes were no exception. We lived in Lakeland at the time, and if anyone knows who lives in Lakeland, it's like...the dregs of the earth. It's one of the shittiest parts of Florida I've ever seen with a huge meth problem and a bunch of skanky ugly girls. We decide that we're gonna go out to a bar and have a great time...so we go to downtown and before we know it, we're drinking quite heavily. I must have had approximately 25 cran and vodkas, and start talking to this girl...she's decent looking, so I convince her to come home with us. We leave the bar, both me and my boyfriend thinking that we've succeeded in someway. We get her to the house and immediately all start going at it. Clothes are flying everywhere, I'm going down on her, she's going down on me, blah blah blah. At some point, I get really sick, so I run to the bathroom and start puking my mother fucking brains out. At what seemed like the exact same moment, I had a moment of clarity...an epiphany if you will. I look up and see my boyfriend, riding on top of what has to be...easily a 300 lb girl. But this wasn't even a girl with a pretty face...this is a BUTT ASS ugly fat bitch. I freak out...I start puking even more. I scream... "Desmond, eww, what the fuck...? Get off that girl!" The girl of course yellls back the stereotypical "Whats your problem? You didn't mind me a few minutes ago." Ok...now you done pissed me off Heffer... I practically shove my boyfriend off of her, I guess he had an epiphany too because he looked absolutely repulsed that he had just been porking...well, a PORKER. She starts screaming obscenities, and I grab all of her clothes...and proceed to toss them out the window of our apartment. After this, she looks shocked...so I tell her, "Go fetch you fucking Pitbull." That's right, I said it...and we practically pushed this bitch out the door butt ass naked. She had to run around our apartment complex naked to go get her clothes. I'll never forget the look on her face...it was sadness mixed with hatred mixed with disgust...we never saw or heard from Porky again...and we both made a pact that we would never discuss the wart hog we brought home that night.

The Worst Sex of My Life (ok, I fucking deserved it)

The worst sex of my life was with Jesse. I won't disclose his last name in order to prevent further humiliation. My night started out lame. I just wanted to go do something. I was newly single, feeling my freedom, so I went out with someone who isn't quite up to my physical standards. We went out drinking that night (I was also in the middle of a nasty phase with pills so I was pretty fucked up). The guy was lame. At The Cellar, I met up with 2 pretty hot guys, and proceeded to buy drugs from one in the bathroom while my date sat lonely on the couch inside. The guy I was buying them off was pretty hot, so what did I do? I bent over and open sesame! I went back out to my date who still sat clueless in that same spot. I told him we needed to leave. By this point I was mortified that I was out with this dork, so I proceeded to get as wasted as possible. Inevitably, I ended up making out with dork-o and then we went to his place. I figured maybe God blessed him with a big dick to make up for what a loser he was. No. Average. OK....maybe God blessed him with great oral skills. No. Below average and I was too faded to instruct him. So I gave him head for all of 2 minutes when he started convulsing like a seizuring old man in a nursing home. I thought maybe he was done...maybe we could just leave his house now, but no, just like a horny pre-pubescent boy he was off to the races again. We tried EVERY position known to man, but this kid had the WORST rhythm ever. I mean, I could have had better sex with a washing machine than with him. He was sloppy, I know he must have been a bad dancer. He had bonier hips than a Holocaust victim as he thrusted the shit out of me for the longest 8 minutes of my life. How do I know it was precisely 8 minutes? Because I was watching the clock the whole time, saying the dirtiest shit I could just to get him to bust a nut and get the fuck off of me. Regardless, he took me home that night, and I jumped in the shower like a rape victim to try and erase the awfulness off of me. I never talked to him again. I think I must have deserved it though, for fucking the random drug dealer in the bathroom while Mr. Dorky Pants sat outside twiddling his thumbs.

The Very Angry Dragon

Very few times in my life have I been shocked sexually by what was happening to me. This event occured when I was about 18-19 years old. I had just moved to Florida and didn't know any way of meeting people really so i always found guys on Myspace or facethejury (yeah that long ago). I met Chris on there and thought he was pretty fucking hot. As a pure booty call I drove to his house. It was kind of weird because he had like 6 guys over and I was almost 90% sure he had said to his friends "Hey boys, this one's down for the train." But no, he didn't do that. He took me into his room and almost immediately we started going at it. I've always prided myself on my ability to deepthroat anything so I wanted to show off my skills. I had recently done a porno for the website fuckherthroat and had this great idea for him to stand up and hang my head over the edge of the bed (basically upside down) and have him pound my face in. It started off pretty usual. Blah blah....typical guy response "This is FUCKING AWESOME I've always wanted to do THIS!" And me laying there with eyeliner running down my face looking like a hot mess making gurgling sounds that I've only heard out of ducks and infant children and a pair of sweaty hairy balls smacking me in the fucking chin. Then all of a sudden...something VERY strange happened. As he came, I sort of choked (gimme a break, I was upside down)...I felt a burning sensation in my nose and throat and sat up as soon as he was done. I thought I had a bloody nose...when I hear hysterical laughter. WTF? I ran over to the mirror and what did I see? Cum dripping out of my nostrils. I really DID look like a dragon. I was more embarrassed than anything. My huge nose had done me in! Worse....I let him take a picture (because this shit just doesn't happen to everyone). I'm sure he showed all of his friends because who wouldn't? I eventually laughed after I blew the massive amounts of jizz out of my nose.

Sidenote: I've actually tried to make this phenomenon occur since and it never has, but at least for one day in my life, I was a VERY angry dragon.

Craziness: It has a beginning

I was actually a late bloomer by some standards. My first kiss was Cory Jones, when I was 14 years old. I had hated this kid forever, and all of a sudden he was kinda cute, so I remember we went out to these woods by my house, and he asked to kiss me. Wow. Worst kiss ever! (hopefully he got better as he got older). This kid was all over my face like a Hoover Vacuum, sucking on everything but my lips, and his tongue went up my nose! Ew. I remember thinking to myself, "Damn. If this is what kissing is, I'm never kissing ever again." So then, after that, I didn't kiss anyone for a year. He was also the first man I ever saw without pants. I thought all penises were ugly vile things.

The next experience I had was the first blowjob I ever gave. Eric Hamp was kind of popular, but quite goofy looking. As I remember, he had a slight unibrow and acne. But then again, back in the day, I was no prize either. I met him at the movies. We saw the first "Fast and the Furious" movie and after it was done, I wanted to impress him, so I stuck my hand down his pants, and then unzipped them, gave him a BJ and i think he nutted in like a minute. (Trust me, I did lots of research on how to give a great blowjob). I swallowed, because like I always say, spitters are quitters, and I damn sure wasn't gonna be a quitter. I wanted to be a fuckin champ.

Losing my virginity was probably the least grand moment of my life. It was the summer after I turned 15, and I went over to my friend's house to hang out, and I saw Aldo. He was a senior, and totally hot, so I jumped in his car, and gave him head. Later that week, my mom had a nail appointment, and I invited Aldo over to my house. My goal for losing my virginity was to do it, and get it over with, and lie about not being a virgin so the older guy didn't think I was a complete loser. He laid down on my bed, and there was no foreplay, no nothing...I wasn't even wet and God knows why I chose to get on top!!! I jumped on him and rammed it in and I think I heard my own cherry pop. Ew. I remember I looked at him and tried to play it off and said "Oops, haha, it's been awhile." Then I got off of him, and ran to the bathroom, as blood was dripping out of me all over my white carpet. I went in the bathroom, stuck in a tampon, because shit, I didn't know what else to do. Then I weighed my options: let him leave and tell all his friends what a fucking loser I was and how terrible the sex was, or give him a consolation prize. I picked option number too. I walked back into that bedroom to finish what I started. This guy was gonna nut, and go tell people good things about my mad dome skills. I gave him head, he came, and I kicked him out. Then I frantically cleaned up my white carpet before my mother got home.

A week and a half later, word had spread about me to his friends Joe (RIP) and David. So what did I do? I invited them over to my house, and had sex with Joe, who did push ups on top of me and basically sucked. And then I gave head to David, (a mistake later when on the first day of 10th grade, David's girlfriend walked up to me and punched me in the face.) I then kicked them both out of my house. After all this, I swore off sex forever. I hated sex, I hated men, and I swore I was never going to do it again...wow. I guess that plan didn't work, did it?

The Man Who Changed My Vagina Forever

The reason I turned into a sexual dynamo was a guy I'll call Mr. Lover. He was my muse. He was super popular (and naturally I was a dork), so I couldn't figure out why he wanted to talk to me, but in 10th grade, he walked up to me in the cafeteria and asked me out on a date. I was so excited, I think I peed a little. I went around the school and told everyone that Mr. Lover was taking me out. He was hot, and I couldn't wait to make all these other bitches jealous of me. He came to pick me up that night in his red Jeep Grand Cherokee and he took me to TGI Fridays. Then he asked if we could go for a drive. I said sure, not knowing I was going to get fucked 6 ways from Sunday. We drove around a neighborhood, pulled over, and climbed into the backseat. It was so hot. I had never had oral sex, and he licked the shit out of me. He gave me the best blowjob tutorial of my life, and I gave him head the whole ride back to his house. When we got to his house, he took me downstairs, laid me on a leather couch, and worked me again and again. Then on the ride home, I received another first. He pulled into a church parking lot, and we crawled into the backseat, yet again. We were having regular sex when he whipped out the Anal Eeze. I had never tried Anal Eeze or even heard of it before, but I kind of figured he was gonna stick it in my pooper. He put on a new condom, and I was bent over this seat, and he stuck it in so hard, the fucking condom popped and snapped open...i think I jumped 3 feet in the air, because it felt like a rubber band snapping in my anus! I let him try again. This time it worked.

Later experiences with Mr. Lover included banging a couple of his friends in the basement, fucking his dad on the pool table, and having threesomes. He also exposed me to my first cigarette and my first trip on magic mushrooms. Yes, Mr. Lover will never be forgotten. He's the reason I became a slut.

Swing A Ding Ding

My first trip to a swinger's club was a memorable one for sure. My ex and I decided to go to Nightmoves in Tampa. He had this creepy fetish for seeing me with other guys, so his great idea was to go to this club, meet a hot couple and swing. We get to Nightmoves and it's pretty nice. There's cages for girls to dance in, a huge bar, and a dance floor and poles, etc. We're initially approached by a very well dressed older couple. The man was an Orthopedic surgeon and she was a stay at home mom. She was definately a MILF, so I was pretty down. He was like 46, which was kind of creepy to me, but I figured maybe we could give them a shot later. I wanted to check out the rest of this club first, so we headed in the back...the best area of all. There was a room with big white couches and porn playing on big screen TVs. We then followed this walkway back to the fucky fucky rooms. There was a giant room for orgies, with pillows on the floor, and a whole bunch of various "themed" rooms and all of them had windows where you could watch the people inside have sex. It was pretty fucking cool. Anyways, on to the good part. I get fucking wasted, and we decide to go back into the room with these people. We all get naked and my stupid boyfriend couldn't get a boner for the life of him, so he stood in the corner like a fucking creeper and tossed me to the wolves. I was completely intimidated. First of all, the lady turned from sweet to psycho scary dominatrix chick in about 30 seconds flat. She yelled at me "Suck that cock you stupid whore!" So I started sucking the guys cock, and then my drunkenness got the best of me. I started crying...while giving....a blowjob. I've never cried while doing anything sexual, but I was fucking wasted and this bitch was yelling in my ear, jamming my head up and down on her creepy old husbands cock while my boyfriend stood in the corner jerking off his tiny little penor. I couldn't take it! I bit that mother fucker's dick (he screamed and called me a bitch), pushed that bitch away from me, and ran out of the room. Naked. So now I'm running down these hallways naked, clutching my clothes, dodging people who are all looking at me like "WTF is wrong with this stupid blonde cunt?" I was trying to find a place to get dressed, I didn't give a fuck what happened to my boyfriend at this point, and I just want to leave. Then, I find a bathroom, start to get dressed, and vomited...every-fucking-where. The shots of Patron caught up to me. My boyfriend found me and asked what my problem was. I remember looking at him, still crying saying "I can't fucking do this! That guy is old and that lady frightens me and you are NO fucking help with your erectile dysfunction!" He was pissed, then went and apologized to the people. I did the walk of shame back down the hallways as all the people watched me. I hung my head, and just got in the car and we left. The moral of the story is: Don't go to a swinger's club and fuck the 1st people who talk to you.

Sidenote: We did go back to the same club several months later. In fact, we saw the same people there, and they shot us dirty looks. We found hotter younger people to swing with and even threw our buddy Steve into the orgy room and watched him get gang-blown by a bunch of horny old chicks.

Gotta Love a Russian Sloot

My first lesbian porno was for my boyfriend's website imadirtylittleslut.com (RIP). We went to all these lengths to find dumb sluts who would perform for next to nothing. We started adding all these bisexual girls to our Myspace account and found a gold mine. Girls are naturally stupid or fame whores or something...we actually got chicks to do shit for free, but that's another story. Enter Sonya, a dumb Russian sloot who said for $200 she would do basically anything we wanted. So anyways, we get her to our hotel and she instantly gets naked and starts banging herself with a cucumber. She then puts both sides of this double sided black dildo we nicknamed "Leroy" in her. Enter Barbie (aka me) who decides this video sucks and needs some schwag. I get in the shower and hand Sonya this strap on which she ends up loving and have her bang me in the ass with it. The whole situation is pretty hot, but to me this still is not exciting enough. Somewhere in between this time, I go to the bathroom, and poo (yes, Barbie's poo too), and come back out, and smother my ass on this girls mouth. Hahahahaha she was licking me front to back not even knowing I just took a crap (remember this story isn't supposed to turn you on anyways, friend.) Then I tell Sonya to lay on the bed upside down on the edge so I can fuck her throat with this awesome strap on. She does it. While I am pounding the shit out of her face with the pointy purple dildo, I say "yeah bitch, you fucking like that cock!" and spit on this bitches face. I spit in her mouth, in her eyes, I just kept spitting on her and then I slapped the shit out of her and in her little Russian accent she says "Ooooh yes do it again...." so I slap her again. This is where I decide Sonya is pretty fucking cool with me, but there's one more test she has to pass. My personal favorite fetish, the golden shower. If you enjoy a golden shower, you're my lifelong buddy. It's just pee. It's sterile, it's like hot yellow sunshine in a liquid form. I grab Sonya, grab our camera guy and haul ass into the bathroom. I tell her to sit down in the shower and I'm gonna give her a golden shower. OH SHIT was she all about this or what? Homegirl starts bathing in my piss. She starts licking my pussy while I'm peeing and it gets all up in her hair and face and mouth and she laps it up like a fucking dog. Sonya was the most wonderfully slutty chick I've ever met. I knew I must see her again.

The next time I saw Sonya was 2 months later with my boyfriend and several of our friends. Sonya had a German Shephard, and stated on her profile that she was into "K-9". So being as how we aren't in Mexico, and can't pay to see a Donkey Show, we paid Sonya $180 for a doggy show. There were about 9 of us in the room and Sonya starts stripping off her clothes. She actually gets down on the floor and starts sucking on this dog's lipstick. EW. It was like seeing a homeless person get beat up by a bunch of hoodlum youth...you wanted to stop it...you wanted to not watch...but you couldn't fucking take your eyes off it. She bent over doggy style, how appropriate, while the 9 of us sat drinking beer, smoking a blunt, and laughing. Holy SHIT...this dog was GETTIN IT...he was humping this chick like he'd never get to do it again. I started to feel slightly uncomfortable but it was so shocking, i just kept on watching. I guess the dog nutted, because she separated herself from the red rocket, got up, looked at us and in that hot accent said "Dat was pretty good right?" we all clapped, I gave her a hug, and left the house. I had bad dreams for a week, and never saw Sonya again...but shit...Russian bitches fuck there dogs, drink piss, and lick brown-eyes...they are the coolest people alive.

The Blowjob Chronicles

This is a compilation of random blowjobs and the wonders of the penis

1. The 30-second man: This is the guy who is about to cum before you even blow him. This is my favorite type of blowjob because, duh, there's barely any process of technique to it, and the guy always worships you afterward. They always say something that's supposedly flattering like "Oh holy shit. I've never gotten off that fast in my entire life! You're amazing!" Not that I doubt my incredibly skilled oral practices, but I always think to myself, "Ya right. You can't hold your load and if I fucked you I'd be left with an empty soul laying in a puddle of cum on the bed." My biggest accomplishment was when I was a Junior in High School and I made this guy Mike nut in the parking lot of a bowling alley within 10 seconds. Literally, 10 fucking seconds. I barely touched the thing and he busted.

2. Mr. Sensi-balls: This type of guy has uber sensitive balls and if you get anywhere near them, the guy cringes and busts out into hysterical tinkle laughter. I once was kicked in the face by this guy as I was attempting to roll his balls around in my mouth. I try to do a sample lick now before I proceed with any ball technique.

3. The Cruncher: The cruncher is a VERY rare breed of man I have only encountered one time in my life. I was at this house when I was around 18 being a whore as usual and had just banged 2 really hot guys who I now don't remember (probably because it was just very routine sex) and then there was Garrett. I sat on this bed, and started sucking his dick. He then told me to "get rough with it" so I slapped myself across the face with it. I felt like a fucking retard. He started to laugh. "No no...bite it. Hard!" Ok...now....pause. This is what has been told to me for my entire sexual life....never bite a guys dick...I was confused, but I did it. Holy shit. This kid nutted enough to fill a fucking ice tray. Weirdo. He's now married. Even more weird.

4. The Slow-Mo: I know everyone likes something different, but this type of guy bores me. I mean I can't do anything different, everytime I try to speed shit up, they stop me and are like..."no go back to the slow thing you just did....ya....that's it baby." OMG. That shit is borderline lame...can't I vary anything? No. He wants it fucking slow and steady while I roll my eyes and hope he fucking busts soon.

5. The Rough Neck: This is the guy who either knew I was a slut and would just fucking take it, or actually liked this shit. Every girl knows this guy. He puts his hand on the back of your head, possibly grabbing a chunk of your hair, and tries to thrust the shit out of your throat while you make funny mouth noises, somewhat resembling a quacking duck, which he thinks is fucking awesome. I've thrown up on 3 dicks in my life and you know what? I fucking swallowed that shit back down and kept going because I'm a fucking champ. I'll be damned if I'm gonna be known as that bitch who barfed on your cock.

So there you have it....almost every guy falls into one of these 5 categories...some better than others, but always memorable.

British Men Fucking Suck In Bed

I always thought British guys were sexy, but no. They're like a piece of shadooby (aka poop) inside of a Gucci bag. It looks good on the outside, but if you open it up, there's still a stinky pile of crap in there. So allow me to explain. I met this guy on facebook, and he was British and adorable. We went to his parents house (awkward) and headed into the bedroom to watch a movie. Innevitably anyone who watches a movie with me usually gets laid. So here we lay on the bed and the movie sucks, so I decide to make a move because Brit is obviously scared to since he's like shaking laying next to me. So I reach over, and I start casually rubbing on his junk, which seems pretty big...so I'm sort of excited. I then decide, it's time for me to get naked. I stand up, get undressed and I swear this guy is gonna piss his pants because he's so excited. I watched his eyes light up like a kid seeing presents under the tree on Christmas day. I then lay down on the bed, and make another move because apparently he's Mr. Submissive, or maybe just shy. So i start kissing him and undressing him, and I pull him on top of me. Ok...I'm turned on now...so it's time for Brit to go downtown. He was kissing me all over my stomach and my boobies, and I'm thinking to myself "Holy shit...just get THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" so I grab a chunk of his hair in my fist, and I start to push his head down there, and he won't go. So I start getting kind of mad and try to push his head down even harder. At this point I think I hurt him because he stopped what he was doing and said "Lets fuck". Ok, I understand certain guys don't eat pussy (I could NEVER date one of these guys...if you're a guy imagine a bitch who doesn't suck dick and how deprived you would feel)., but why are you going to get super close to my vag and not lick it? So then we start to have sex. I get on top, and I'm sad because apparently the big penis I felt earlier was all jeans, and what I was left with was a little baby dick. So I'm riding him and he starts shaking...like fucking physically shaking like he was either having a nervous breakdown or was going to explode. No! 2 minutes with a 5 inch dick is just not satisfying, so I jumped off and said "Ok...you get on top." So he did. OMG. I wanted to fucking shoot myself for suggesting this. He started to get really creepy and tried being romantic or something with me...nothing bothers me more than a guy who is definately a one-night stand trying to get all emotional and shit. Dude. Just face it. I'm going to fuck you, and I'm going home, and because you suck, I'm probably never going to talk to you again, or worse, I'm going to text you to tell you that you have a tiny penis and you have the hip action of a down syndrome baby.

So back to story...creepy Brit man is thrusting me in this deformed slow fashion and kissing me on my neck and cheeks and I'm bored as fuck trying to watch Eagle Eye over his shoulder. I'm annoyed. I really want to watch this movie now because this kid keeps moaning and being weird and I just want to pretend like he's not even there, so I suggest doggy style. I wanted to face the movie, but no, this mother fucker faces me towards the wall. Great. Now I have nothing to watch, AND a boring little penis inside me. So I do what any logical person would do in this situation...I picked up my phone, started fucking around on Facebook, and making sex noises so Brit would bust and get the fuck off me. I was screaming "Oh yeah...you're dick is huge, i want you to nut everywhere..." blah blah blah. It worked. He came, and I dressed myself as quick as possible and walked past his parents again who I'm sure heard everything, and left.

Brit has since tried contacting me. I told him the reason I won't hang out with him is because he sucks in bed. I also said it sucks that he doesn't eat pussy. He begged me to hang out and told me he would lick my pussy til I couldn't stand anymore. I told him that he should have done that the first time we hooked up and that it might have made up for the fact that he couldn't successfully bang a jar of peanut butter, much less a vagina. This is the reason I'm convinced that all British men fucking suck in bed.

Fuck Me, I'm Famous

Very few times in your life will you encounter a celebrity. Even fewer times in your life will you get the chance to hook up with one. So as any self-respecting female would do, I did what was right for my country and hooked up with the only celebrity I have ever encountered in a story I now dub "Fuck Me, I'm Famous". I went to a UFC fight several years ago, and who did I see but a very infamous baseball player best known for his issues with substance abuse. I really didn't think much of it because I didn't recognize him initially and he was kind of old and not my type and I was on a date. Said celebrity who will remain nameless at this time, approached me and 12 other females with his entourage and basically pointed at us 1 by 1 and said "I want all ya'll to come with me." I looked at my date next to me and he said "Holy shit...do you know who that is? You better go with him." Oh jesus. I told my date I would call him if anything weird happened. What I didn't realize as a 19 year old naive girl was that I was about to enter into the sex, drug, and rock and roll scene at it's finest. He took us in 2 limos. My limo was a Hummer filled with a well-known rapper who was feeling all over me, 2 very large bouncers and 5 other girls. We pulled up at the Grand Hyatt and all exited the vehicle. We went up to the most fabulous room I have ever seen...and celebrity sat on the couch. He told everyone to make themselves comfortable and introduce themselves. He told me I was a "fine young bitch" and I grabbed a glass of champagne. Creepy rapper guy kept feeling on me and that was when they broke out the drugs. I was only a pothead at the time and on the table was crack, powder, several stems, ecstasy, and a whole bunch of other unidentified illegal substances. I agreed to try some crack because thats what celebrity was doing. Ok...now that I was officially skeeted and paranoid as fuck, I observed girls start to dyke out and get naked. So I got naked too and told celebrity I had done some porn recently. At this point I was all for hooking up, especially when celebrity's bodyguard walked around and handed me and each one of the other girls a substantial sum of money. I stuck my money in my purse, grabbed celebrity and yanked him in the bedroom. I was quite fucked up, and I grabbed 3 other girls to join us. Rapper guy tried to come in the suite, but celebrity wanted all of us to himself. I then partook in a 5-some with a large penis, and several different vaginas. I left the bedroom and the entourage was out in the main area having a massive gang bang. I kissed celebrity goodbye, said I had to be going and he tried to get me to stay and smoke more crack. I wasn't really interested in doing this so I left. I called my date and I told him to come pick me up, but if he couldn't I had about $3,000 to get a cab with. He begged to know what happened and when I told him, he didn't even seem shocked. It was one of the most interesting nights of my life for sure, and the only reason I even fucked him was because he was famous.

Dildos Cause Divorce

When I just moved down to Florida, I was 17, I didn't know anyone so I wanted to meet people. The first person I met was Scott. He was my conveniently hot, less conveniently married neighbor. He was 29, and a body builder, drove an Escalade and made my little teenage heart go pitter patter. There was one problem here however...that pesky wife of his. I remember being a total creeper and staring out my window at him while he fixed his classic car. I always used to change clothes in front of the window and hope he would look up and see me naked. I think I might have been borderline obsessive. His wife worked long hours at the hospital, she was a nurse. So one day while Scott was fixing his car, I decided to go over and chit-chat. He told me if I ever needed anything to give him a call, and gave me his number. So the next night, I decided to get ballsy and call him. I remember exactly what I told him. I said "hi, this is Kelly...I think I need to tell you something...everytime I masturbate, I think about you." Ok...so he liked this, alot. The next day I went to school, and when I got home, I noticed his wife wasn't there. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got there, but I walked up to the door and knocked. What happened next couldn't have been recreated better in a porno. He opened the door and I just pushed him back, closed the door and started kissing him. He didn't stop me and we ended up having wild sex on the waterbed. This was the first of many times while wifey was at work. I fucked him while he was driving down the road in the Escalade, I would go over there multiple times a day and have sex with him.

We went to XTC one night and he bought me my first dildo. I got to this point with this guy I really thought I could steal him away from his clueless boring wife. I used to leave earrings at their house, I would rub my pussy all over this ladies pillow so she would smell it and call him out. Like seriously, crazy stalker shit. One day I went to school and my mom picked me up and she had this really weird look on her face. She said she was making my bed when out from under my pillow she saw the big purple dildo Scott bought for me. She said she knew he bought it since I was underage. Oh fuck. We fought the whole ride home and when we got there, how convenient that Scott AND his wife were just getting home. My mom yelled across the street (and I almost died right there in the garage) "Hey you fucking pervert. Stay away from my underage daughter and take your God Damn dildo back!" Oh. My. God. My mom put the fucking dildo in their mailbox and who opened the mailbox but the wife. I ran inside the house and peeked out the window and noticed Scott's wife basically beating the shit out of him and then got in her Lexus and drove away.

Scott never talked to me again. The wife moved out of the house in the next couple of weeks. And then, Scott moved out too and the house was put up for sale. I like to think my affair with Scott was the start of other couples issues in that same house because the next lady who moved in banged some guy from the end of our street, both of them were married and they all got divorced as well. I forever think that dildos definately cause divorce. Oh and if you're wondering what happened my purple dildo that Scott bought me...I never got it back and had to replace it. Fuck.

Jesus Sees You!

One time I went on a date with a guy I met on Myspace, and I was horny as hell, so our date which he had no idea about, was going to be a booty call. He picked me up in the worst car I have EVER been in. A fucking Geo Metro. Now as if this wasn't bad enough, the guy had his surfboard in the front seat. I walked up to the car and asked if he was going to move his surfboard. His response was, "Uh, actually, she's my baby, and she's riding in front, so you can get behind me." Ew. Well this was my first mistake. I thoroughly should have never gotten in the car with an asshole who made me ride in the backseat. Begrudgingly, I crawled in back, and said "Look. I don't want to date you, so let's get right down to it...I want to fuck. Now its up to you what we do from here, but my intentions are clear and I suggest you find a good spot." So Geo Metro drove us to this Christian Retreat place out in Parrish, and I didn't really care because it looked dark and secluded. Now I just had to figure out how we were going to fuck in a damn Geo Metro which is the size of my butthole, it's so fucking small, things are much easier coming out than going in.

Finally Geo Metro decides he can now remove his surfboard from the front seat since he knows he's gonna get laid, so he set it outside the car and leaned it against the window. We started to get down to business, the usual car sex special---1st making out, 2nd add your hands, 3rd I start feeling on your crotch and unzipping your pants, and 4th I give you a Pro-Job, and if you can still hold your semen, step 5, the penetration. Well I can tell you this much, steps 1-3 went smoothly, but by the time step 4 came around, I had my mouth around his cock and I saw a creepy shadow hovering in the window. I jumped up like holy shit and the creepy shadow knocked on the window. My date fucking rolls the window down with his boner hanging out and said "Umm....can we help you?" Creepy shadowman turned out to be a damn preacher or something and said "This is private property. Private CHURCH property. Obviously you're not here for church, so I suggest you leave before I call the cops." My dumb self decided to yell "Fuck the police...what are they gonna do? Write me a citation for sucking dick?" And thats when Geo Metro freaked out, turned on the car, and said "Uh, sorry sir, we're leaving." The last words the preacher said to me as we were about to drive off was "Young lady...the police may not do anything about your vile act, but remember this....Jesus sees everything."

From that moment on, I was an atheist because I was going to continue to partake in "vile" acts and I certainly didn't want to keep thinking Jesus was watching me, possibly getting a boner, and jerking off in heaven.

Episodes in Escorting

For a short while, I owned and operated an escort service in order to support my drug habit which I can now laugh about because it's a thing of the past. I got the idea from all the men who kept texting me years after we hooked up about how they really wanted to hang out again and blah blah blah, so I decided that if they wanted to hang out with me, they were gonna have to pay. So I set my prices and away we go. My first customer was a virgin who lived in a halfway house who just inherited a large sum of money. He got us a room at the Hampton Inn. He was pretty fucking ugly, I'm not gonna lie....he had major acne and kind of resembled Mr. Potatohead, but he was paying me $400 to take his virginity and leave. This kid was so lame. If you're uglier than shit...at least have a good personality. He was boring, and quiet, and he had no idea what he was doing. I made him give me the money first, and I took the reins, closed my eyes, and did reverse cowgirl so I didn't have to look at how putrid his face was. It was even worse yet that he had a 3 inch penis which felt like a damn finger to me. So after like 2 minutes of silence and bouncing, I turned around and said "Umm excuse me...are you awake? Did you nut yet?" (of course he was wearing a condom) He responded with the most peculiar answer ever. "I dunno. I think so." Whoa...hold the phone. I looked at him semi-shocked and said "How the fuck do you not know if you came or not?" He said "I just don't know." Oh wow. I just fucked a retard. An ugly ass retard with a tiny dick. I got dressed and started to leave with my money after being in the room with retard for a 10 minute time span. As I was leaving he tried to stop me and said "Wait...is that it? When do I get to see you again?" Ew. I looked back at him and responded with something along the lines of "How bout when you grow a bigger dick and learn what an orgasm feels like?" I never saw him again.

The next client I had was a total creeper who I knew for years and had unintentionally had a blackout-drunk 3some with years before. He had money, was much better looking than I remembered (but still not my type). He had a kid and a girlfriend and loved how I gave head so I met him on my lunchbreak in a parking lot and gave him a $250 blowjob. He then became a fucking creepy stalker and I blocked him on Facebook and pretty much everywhere else, changed my number, etc until his stupid girlfriend found me online and messaged me about how she thought he was cheating on her and I told her how he paid me to give him head and that he was basically trying to rape me continuously. His last name is Akal and I have no problem putting him on blast.

By far my favorite client is someone I'll simply dub "Ball Man". Ball man found me on Facebook and presented me with an opportunity to kick him in the balls as hard as I possibly could and he would pay me $3000 if he could videotape it. I halfway thought he was going to skin me and make lampshades out of me or something, so I made sure I carried my SIG-Sauer P-220 on me (thats a handgun for those of you who don't know). I went to the hotel, ironically at the Ritz Carlton and walked up to the room. Ball Man answered the door, said "You must be Kelly...I'm so excited, I've got my camera all set up." I was fully prepared to kill Ball Man if things got out of hand. He handed me a bikini to put on (if it wasn't new, I wouldn't have worn it), but I tore off the tags, put it on and Ball Man laid on the bed. He explained how it turned him on to be stepped on, kicked, and punched in the nuts. I put on my high heels and crawled on the bed, held on to the wall, and started stepping on his balls. I started laughing hysterically, snorted 3 large lines of coke, and then started jumping up and down. I told Ball Man I wanted to kick him, but i needed my money before this shit went any further. He handed me 30 crisp clean $100's, and we proceeded. I kicked Ball Man about 20 times in the nuts, he kept falling over like a bowling ball, and getting back up and moaning. It was like watching a bug die...you want to put it out of it's misery, but you just keep poking it to see what happens. So Ball Man started bleeding from the nuts, and I said that I had to be taking off as much fun as beating him up was. I was loaded with money and all I had to do was kick around some balls (literally).

So those are just a few of my many escorting adventures, and I'm sure I'll add more later :)