Saturday, November 17, 2012

Don't Tempt Me With A Dare

You know those Liberty Tax fuckers that stand outside of the Tax place during that time of year? They look like total goobers and everyone honks at them and makes fun of them. Well when you meet one of the poor guys dressed like the Statue of Liberty, your heart goes out to them. Anyways, I had a buddy who decided to go pawn something right next to the tax place. He made fun of the Statue of Liberty guy and honked his horn and when we pulled up to the pawn place he became a total douche and did something I can never refuse. "Hey Barbs...I dare you to fuck the Statue of Liberty." I basically told him to kiss my ass, sit back, and watch the magic happen. I approached Statue of Liberty guy.

"Hey nice costume." He was a dork. A total dork. Glasses, a little bit of acne, skinny, long hair...just looked kind of like a mini-rapist...but damn it, I was not going to turn down this dare. "Oh kinda it's really hot out here." I told mini-rapist that I was going to kidnap him and he was coming to have to fun, so I grabbed him by his costume and pulled him into my friends car. My guy friend kept poking jokes...and said "Barbie here is gonna fuck you with that goofy ass costume on." The poor mini-rapist looked terrified. I told my friend we needed to get get my car.

I put him in the car and we drove to his house. I told him not to get naked, just pull his weiner out of his stinky statue of liberty costume and let me snap a pic. Mission 1 accomplished. Now this is where things got pretty fucking weird. Homeboy says "Since we're playing dress up..."and whips out a Ronald Reagan mask. Oh my god. I knew he was a fucking rapist. He has a big rapist penis for a little creepy dorky guy and this fucking mask makes me feel like I'm banging my grandpa plus the nasty Statue of Liberty costume which smells like old tacos. This could not get worse. Thankfully mini rapist can't hold his nut and busts very quickly. The sex was quite uneventful otherwise and I parted ways with mini rapist.

My friend had his proof and I felt like a complete whorebag, but other wise everything was just fine and dandy.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Peek A Boo Pimpin

When I see something I want...I usually get it. I know a lot of people say this, but I actually mean it. Men are easy to get, however sometimes, you want to find one with a couple of potential challenges. I went out the other night with my buddy and he introduced me to his friend. As soon as I saw the tall sexy muscular friend I knew I wanted to fuck him. He was talking about his bitch and didn't look very happy about his situation in general. I then decided to pull the porn card. Nothing breaks the ice with a person better than showing them a video of you having sex. So he watched a little bit of my porn and then we all 3 decided to leave Rasher's and go over to Peek A Boo. Upon getting there, hot friend started to talk to this stripper who wasn't very attractive. Basically, like 90% of Bradenton strippers she was a butterface with a C-section scar. He proceeded to tell me this former Race Trac employee (busted stripper) wanted to fuck him and then said he wanted to take her home. Knowing he had no idea I wanted to bang him, I decided to establish my dominance.

 Now in the male world, men pee on things to show ownership. Thats fine and dandy but considering I'm not going to whip my vagina out and give hot guy a golden shower in the middle of the strip club, I choose a more subtle approach. While busted stripper sits there and talks to him, I divert attention back to myself by grabbing his dick. I caught him off guard and he kind of looked shocked. I then whisper in his ear that he'd have a lot more fun fucking me than busted stripper. Not just for the obvious reasons that I'm a great lay and give phenomenal head, but also because busted stripper had the chest of a 14 year old prepubescent boy and who wants that when you can have a perky pair of DD's in your face? Busted stripper looked super uncomfortable by this point, but I didn't fucking care. I was gonna get my twat penetrated by this dude before she was.

I then tell my other friend that I will be right back and tell hot guy that we should go outside. He didn't put up much of a fight. When we got outside, we did a couple of illegal substances and then I tell him to unzip his pants. He does, and I proceed to mouth fuck him. Other friend is behind me and getting into his car. He looks kind of pissed off. We later realized that he was pissed off, but not at us. Me and hot guy decide we should continue the fun stuff a little bit later, so we leave and go to Rashers.

We were at Rashers for what seemed like forever, and basically I just wanted to get laid. Once I put my mind to something, I am stuck on it. Other friend joins us at Rasher's and we all decide after a couple of beers to go back to Peek A Boo. I tell friend that I am going to fuck hot he leaves us alone to go back into the strip club. Me and hot guy get naked out in the parking lot...he threw me on top of his car and railed me 6 ways from Sunday...then we got in the backseat and finished the job. The sex was definately worth it.

We then went back inside and I noticed busted stripper was gone. I was a little bummed out because I really wanted her to smell my pussy all over him, nevertheless, I decided to go onto a new mission. Make money. I found some guy who seemed to be making it rain on all the strippers and decided to sit down next to him. He became my new buddy. He handed me a large sum of money to spend on the strippers, but I'd rather keep it for myself, so I keep the wad of ones he has given me and start spending his stack of ones instead. New buddy also tells me to pick a stripper for a lap dance. I grab the least disgusting stripper and get a feature dance next to hot guy.My dance was pretty shitty...I know from experience it's hard to give a lap dance to another girl. I don't have a penis for you to grind on so the natural thing for all strippers to do is bounce their ass off my tits. Every stripper does this to me. Regardless, I stuck a finger in her pussy and then wiped it on her face. Hot guy thought that was pretty funny. So did I.

I thank new buddy and then leave the club with hot guy and friend. Friend was probably a little jealous that hot guy was getting all the attention, however friend had an opportunity before to fuck me and we both just passed out. If this ever happens, I can never have sex with you in the future. Life is about first impressions. So friend has now learned that my vagina is off limits to him.

 As friend is sitting in the back seat of the car I find myself horny again, so I reach over and unzip hot guys pants and proceed to give hot guy some road head. Poor friend just ended up being the blowjob cheerleader behind us. We then got to the gas station where we left friend in the car, and we went in the bathroom and fucked again. Overall, a pretty successful night pimpin at the Peek A Boo.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A Little Dose of Revenge

One day I received a message on Facebook from a nasty looking female who explained that she found me attractive and really would like to hook up with me. She even offered me money. I, however, am very picky when it comes to females so I was not interested. She also started opening up to me about how she cheats on her husband in great detail. I didn't care. Her husband friend requested me a couple days later and messaged me. He was so nice that I had to tell him what kind of whore his wife was. After hearing his heartbreaking story about him only being with one woman since he was 15 (he was now 35). I told him how bad she wanted me and how I turned her down. Then one night, he made me an offer....while she was out, he called me...offered me a substantial amount of money and had me come over to the house. Meanwhile I had asked her what she would do if I fucked her husband....she said she'd kill me. I got to the house and I ripped off my clothes and jumped on the bed. We proceeded to have raunchy sex on her side of the bed and I rubbed my twat all over her pillow full of her husband's cum. Yes, it was a pretty nasty thing to do, but I think the fact that he got what his wife wanted and she had no idea he even talked to me period was the sweetest revenge of all. To this day they're married...they both lead lives full of lies, and I went on my merry way.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Wigging Out

As some of you may know, I wear a wig. No I don't have cancer or anything like that, I just have this short brown hair do underneath and my long blonde hair has always been my trademark. So in order to embrace my party side, I wear my long blonde semen magnet. On this particular evening, I headed to the bar that I frequent all the time. There weren't many people there, so I picked the most decent candidate and pulled him outside and around the corner so I could donate my blowjob services to him. After walking back into the bar, I realized even more people had vacated the premises, so  decided to throw my still sober self into my vehicle and headed to another bar.

The next spot I arrived at was "Cocaine Kingdom" aka Rasher Tierney's. I see a pretty sexy guy and start to talk to him. I find out he's a tattoo artist with a twin brother. I also start flirting with the married bouncer who is clearly too faithful. I say fuck it and keep talking to the sexy tatted guys. Of course the sexy tatted guys have this one fucking really annoying ugly friend who keeps chiming in to our conversation. Then all of a sudden this evil looking black bitch walks in, and sexy tatted guy introduces me to his "girlfriend". Great, so now I'm not getting laid. On to the next bar.

I pull up at Tommyknockers and walk inside. I buy one beer, hunt around when someone yells my name. A former freaky booty call sees me so I go to sit with him. He came with his very sexy married friend to the bar, and I was happy to hang out with them. After several beers (actually pitchers of beer) we all three went out to the married guys truck and decided to have some fun. I was bent over the front seat, and the one guy was making a Chinese buffet out of my pussy and asshole while I was blowing the other dude. Finding this position a little uncomfortable, I crawled into the front seat and so did the other dude. So now we were having a threesome in the front seat of an F150, and I' pretty drunk so after swallowing the shit out of this 9 inch dick and getting pounded down from behind, I definately puked up beer all over the one dude, it was ok though because he's a little freaky. Now that I finished with these dudes I had to move on.

The next and last bar I headed to was the one I started off at in the first place. My wig and I showed up and I saw like 10 of my buddies who I've already fucked with standing out in the parking lot.I continued to drink and my friend convinced me to come back outside and somehow I ended up sitting on a curb sucking dick. Who else does this happen to? At some drunken point we all decided to head back to one of the guys houses and have a sloppy drunken gang bang (which seems to happen a lot). While giving head, one of the guys tried to pull my hair, and oops off went my wig. I said fuck it and just kept it off and I was so fucking faded I don't remember seeing anyone's faces, just there dicks. I got tired of this situation, so I left and headed to my boyfriends house. I crawled into bed next to him covered in semen and made him eat my pussy. I  also dumped him the next day.

This as just one night of adventures between me and my wig. Yes this story had no plot, but it just goes to show how fucking interesting my life is :)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Old Main Pub...My Little Slice of Adventure

This is basically an ode to Old Main Pub...aka my favorite bar. Now, I never thought I would like a dive bar, but this is the spot to go in Downtown Bradenton. I cannot begin to convey the good times I've had this is a compilation of a few of my best and fondest memories.

1. Girl on Girl in the bathroom x2: After an argument over my ex with one of his former slut-kabobs, I sauntered off to the bathroom. Slut-kabob followed me in. I thought for sure we were about to get into an all out fist fight when she surprisingly whispered into my ear..."I want to lick your pussy." Me being the opportunist that I am, took her up on this offer, went into the stall and she went to town. My ex walked in and looked under the stall and here she was on her knees. :) She did this to me again about a month later.

2. Blowjobs under the bar: I don't totally remember this, but it's been told to me several times. While standing at the very crowded bar...someone dared me to give a few bjs under the bar while they waited for their drinks. I don't turn down I did it. No one caught us. Awesome status.

3. Your old booty calls...all in one spot: One time while out on the patio, a large group of dudes started hovering around me trying to talk to me...I'm pretty sure I had about 8 offers for slumber parties this evening. 7 of my former booty calls (none knowing the other one) were around me, talking about me. I don't have very many awkward moments, but this was one of them. I also forgot who I left with.

4. The Swirley: Yes, I gave a girl a swirley in the bathroom. She was talking shit, so I grabbed her by the back of the neck, stuck her head in the toilet, flushed, and laughed as she flailed around in their like a salmon. I was promptly escorted out.

5. My first fight: After taking shot after shot and insult after insult, I walked out to the parking lot where 3 girls were chasing my male conquest around his truck. I pulled off my shoes and set down my purse in my car very calmly,walked up to the one crazy bitch who had really succeeded in striking a nerve. I said "Listen wanna back up your shit?" Grabbed her hair, and punched her repeatedly in the head while it bounced off the hood of a Cadillac until several people pulled me off. I then screamed "Cunt, how did it feel to have 26 years of pent up aggression let out on you?"

6. BJ's behind Dumpsters: The owner of Old Main already hated me for giving lapdances in her bar, but when she saw me blowing someone behind her dumpster, she kicked me out :( I remember the look on her face as she said "omigosh!" and I looked up with my mouth full and said mumbled "Whatttt?"

7. Car Gangbang: Somehow I end up in a gang bang almost eveytime I go to the pub. This time was with 4 guys in the back of a Kia...I'll just leave it at that.

8. Body Shots on the Bar: A bunch of random strangers (both male and female) ended up doing body shots off my nipples on top of the bar on a random Thursday...still fucking fun.

9. 3 Girl Man Fight...I win: All these stupid hoes in the bathroom were fighting over who got to go home with someone I've already been with. I walked out of the stall, marched past them, didn't say a word to them and found him at the bar. I said "wanna go fuck?" I pulled him out to the parking lot and rode him in the front seat of my car. He then returned to the bar. There bitches, enjoy my sloppy seconds :)

10. Handjob? More like E.D: One night this foreign guy was sitting at the bar with his translator. I think he was Belgian. Somehow he got the crazy idea I was a hooker (what?! not me?!...haha) and had his translator ask me how much for a handjob. I said $100. He took the money out, we walked to his BMW, and he whipped out his limp little weenie while I got my money from him and sat there. After 20 seconds, he said "Uh oh, not working." Handed me a bag of coke and I left with my $100 free and clear.

So there you have it...Old Main Pub...for the past 5've been my most favorite bar...I salute thee.

Friday, June 22, 2012

A Bunch of Floppy Wangs

One night at the bar I was out with a girlfriend and spotted a group of sexy friends. I'm  not very good at sharing, so I planned to have them all to myself. I basically gave her the ugliest one with the smallest (rumored) dick, and decided I would go home at night with the other 5. I looked at one, grabbed his dick, and said "Look, i'm gonna make this really easy...I am down for the gangbang...the more the merrier." Of course he didn't have much hesitation and started rounding his buddies up. Now we were all very very drunk, so we stumble throughout the bar, got in the car and tried to think of a place to go. One of my boys, Joe suggested his house. He lives with his dad who was sleeping in the next room over. Joe opened his window and in crawled one guy. By this time i had already started getting down to business. The window remained open and one at a time these guys crawled in until all 5 were present. Every guy was pretty intoxicated and that was extremely apparent since I literally sucked dick non stop for 45 minutes and none of them could stay fully hard except the chubby guy who ended up there by default because he was in the right place at the right time. Why the fuck is it always the chubby guy that has no problem maintaining a boner in the middle of a sausage fest? Thats fine tubb-o...just bend me over so I don't have to look at you and i can finish sucking these hot guys off.

You can really tell who hasn't been involved in a gang bang before by their mannerisms. They expect you to do all the work which is bullshit. If you've ever watched a porno, the guys that aren't in the middle of a turn are usually in the corner jacking off trying to get ready for their turn. Not these drunk fuckers. They just stood around and laughed. This of course made me laugh. Here I am in a room full of floppy wangs swingin in the wind when all i wanted was to get gang banged in proper classy fashion. I was intent on getting at least some double penetration. Meanwhile Joe's dad is banging on the wall screaming about the commotion.  "Hey dad, sorry about all the noises, the fat dudes balls slapping against my sweaty ass, the sloppy wet sucking sound, and all the laughing...we're just trying to run a train in's ok, normal Saturday, go back to bed." I halfway expected him to walk in and join us. After all this time and my mouth getting tired, i drunkenly laid on the bed and did what any drunk slut would do at 4am...I told them all they could just do whatever they needed to to get off and cum on my face and hurry the fuck up because I wanted to go home and go to bed. So after all this time, we finally ended up with a half-limp dick bukkake and tubb-o trying to be my best friend because it's probably the first time he's been laid in 5 basically my typical charity weekend.

Friday, January 20, 2012


It's inevitible that when you're as sexually active as I am, you are bound to encounter some strange yet wonderful things. This is not one of those times. Strange, yes. Wonderful...ummm....not so much. I was invited to a male friend's house to smoke some weed and "hang out". Me being the whore that I am, assumed this meant get high and fuck. We sat down and smoked and there was this ugly little stripper bitch sitting on the couch with her fiancee (she was 18, he was 29...ew). Anyways, little stripper bitch was trying desperately to impress me, but alas, I couldn't get my focus off her FUPA, cankles, and cum-pocket chin. I suggested to my male friend that we go into the bedroom (this is code for sex). I jumped on his bed, and he sat on the couch. Ummm...what the fuck. Ok, so then stripper bitch who I will now call "cock block bitch" decides she's gonna walk into his room and sit on the couch and also watch TV.

I'm plotting my sexual plan at this point. I debate grabbing him and trying to make her uncomfortable by sucking his cock in front of her...but then I realize she'll probably try and join us and God forbid, I couldn't touch that...not even high. The phone rings. It turns out to be another ugly stripper bitch. This one reminds me of a gangly dorky version of Raggedy Ann. She had a manly voice and fake tits and these fucking coke bottle glasses. And where did she sit? Next to cock block stripper. Jesus. They get up and leave the room and shut the door. I say to male clueless friend " are we not gonna fuck or...?" He responds "I didn't really know that was an option." Wait up....hold the phone...I suggest going to your bedroom, I jump on your bed, I bend over in front of you, and you didn't figure sex was an option? I'm appalled. So I say "Yes it is."Grab him, and kiss him. I pull away and in my subtle nature I say "So show me your dick." He responds..."Umm....there's something I should tell you first."

Pause. if this has ever happened to you, you know something bad or shocking is about to happen. I'm thinking The HIV or something. I looked at him slightly curiously..."Are you embarrassed?" I ask. He says "No. I am a little intimidated though." Ok....normal, I am a little intimidating. Then...the big secret is revealed. He starts hesitantly..."Well, see I had this accident when I was a kid..." Oh it comes... "...and, umm I sorta had my dick cut off." WHOA. Now I became ever more curious. I did the most natural thing that came to mind and asked if I could see it. Reluctantly he pulled down his pants to reveal what can only be described as a giant zit/pothole/volcano. I reacted with "Ew! Oh oops...sorry, my bad didn't mean to say ew..." (yes I did). So now that I was officially dried up like a 90 year old woman who's undergone female circumcision, I decided I needed to abandon ship. I told him I was going out to eat because I was really hungry (yup, cut off cock's make me hungry). He asked if I would come back...I wanted to say "Dude you just showed me your severed penis and you expect me to continue hangin out with you?" But I didn't. I told him "maybe" and left to fuck someone who actually does have a dick.