Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Craziness: It has a beginning

I was actually a late bloomer by some standards. My first kiss was Cory Jones, when I was 14 years old. I had hated this kid forever, and all of a sudden he was kinda cute, so I remember we went out to these woods by my house, and he asked to kiss me. Wow. Worst kiss ever! (hopefully he got better as he got older). This kid was all over my face like a Hoover Vacuum, sucking on everything but my lips, and his tongue went up my nose! Ew. I remember thinking to myself, "Damn. If this is what kissing is, I'm never kissing ever again." So then, after that, I didn't kiss anyone for a year. He was also the first man I ever saw without pants. I thought all penises were ugly vile things.

The next experience I had was the first blowjob I ever gave. Eric Hamp was kind of popular, but quite goofy looking. As I remember, he had a slight unibrow and acne. But then again, back in the day, I was no prize either. I met him at the movies. We saw the first "Fast and the Furious" movie and after it was done, I wanted to impress him, so I stuck my hand down his pants, and then unzipped them, gave him a BJ and i think he nutted in like a minute. (Trust me, I did lots of research on how to give a great blowjob). I swallowed, because like I always say, spitters are quitters, and I damn sure wasn't gonna be a quitter. I wanted to be a fuckin champ.

Losing my virginity was probably the least grand moment of my life. It was the summer after I turned 15, and I went over to my friend's house to hang out, and I saw Aldo. He was a senior, and totally hot, so I jumped in his car, and gave him head. Later that week, my mom had a nail appointment, and I invited Aldo over to my house. My goal for losing my virginity was to do it, and get it over with, and lie about not being a virgin so the older guy didn't think I was a complete loser. He laid down on my bed, and there was no foreplay, no nothing...I wasn't even wet and God knows why I chose to get on top!!! I jumped on him and rammed it in and I think I heard my own cherry pop. Ew. I remember I looked at him and tried to play it off and said "Oops, haha, it's been awhile." Then I got off of him, and ran to the bathroom, as blood was dripping out of me all over my white carpet. I went in the bathroom, stuck in a tampon, because shit, I didn't know what else to do. Then I weighed my options: let him leave and tell all his friends what a fucking loser I was and how terrible the sex was, or give him a consolation prize. I picked option number too. I walked back into that bedroom to finish what I started. This guy was gonna nut, and go tell people good things about my mad dome skills. I gave him head, he came, and I kicked him out. Then I frantically cleaned up my white carpet before my mother got home.

A week and a half later, word had spread about me to his friends Joe (RIP) and David. So what did I do? I invited them over to my house, and had sex with Joe, who did push ups on top of me and basically sucked. And then I gave head to David, (a mistake later when on the first day of 10th grade, David's girlfriend walked up to me and punched me in the face.) I then kicked them both out of my house. After all this, I swore off sex forever. I hated sex, I hated men, and I swore I was never going to do it again...wow. I guess that plan didn't work, did it?

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