Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dildos Cause Divorce

When I just moved down to Florida, I was 17, I didn't know anyone so I wanted to meet people. The first person I met was Scott. He was my conveniently hot, less conveniently married neighbor. He was 29, and a body builder, drove an Escalade and made my little teenage heart go pitter patter. There was one problem here however...that pesky wife of his. I remember being a total creeper and staring out my window at him while he fixed his classic car. I always used to change clothes in front of the window and hope he would look up and see me naked. I think I might have been borderline obsessive. His wife worked long hours at the hospital, she was a nurse. So one day while Scott was fixing his car, I decided to go over and chit-chat. He told me if I ever needed anything to give him a call, and gave me his number. So the next night, I decided to get ballsy and call him. I remember exactly what I told him. I said "hi, this is Kelly...I think I need to tell you something...everytime I masturbate, I think about you." Ok...so he liked this, alot. The next day I went to school, and when I got home, I noticed his wife wasn't there. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got there, but I walked up to the door and knocked. What happened next couldn't have been recreated better in a porno. He opened the door and I just pushed him back, closed the door and started kissing him. He didn't stop me and we ended up having wild sex on the waterbed. This was the first of many times while wifey was at work. I fucked him while he was driving down the road in the Escalade, I would go over there multiple times a day and have sex with him.

We went to XTC one night and he bought me my first dildo. I got to this point with this guy I really thought I could steal him away from his clueless boring wife. I used to leave earrings at their house, I would rub my pussy all over this ladies pillow so she would smell it and call him out. Like seriously, crazy stalker shit. One day I went to school and my mom picked me up and she had this really weird look on her face. She said she was making my bed when out from under my pillow she saw the big purple dildo Scott bought for me. She said she knew he bought it since I was underage. Oh fuck. We fought the whole ride home and when we got there, how convenient that Scott AND his wife were just getting home. My mom yelled across the street (and I almost died right there in the garage) "Hey you fucking pervert. Stay away from my underage daughter and take your God Damn dildo back!" Oh. My. God. My mom put the fucking dildo in their mailbox and who opened the mailbox but the wife. I ran inside the house and peeked out the window and noticed Scott's wife basically beating the shit out of him and then got in her Lexus and drove away.

Scott never talked to me again. The wife moved out of the house in the next couple of weeks. And then, Scott moved out too and the house was put up for sale. I like to think my affair with Scott was the start of other couples issues in that same house because the next lady who moved in banged some guy from the end of our street, both of them were married and they all got divorced as well. I forever think that dildos definately cause divorce. Oh and if you're wondering what happened my purple dildo that Scott bought me...I never got it back and had to replace it. Fuck.

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