Monday, June 25, 2012

Old Main Pub...My Little Slice of Adventure

This is basically an ode to Old Main Pub...aka my favorite bar. Now, I never thought I would like a dive bar, but this is the spot to go in Downtown Bradenton. I cannot begin to convey the good times I've had this is a compilation of a few of my best and fondest memories.

1. Girl on Girl in the bathroom x2: After an argument over my ex with one of his former slut-kabobs, I sauntered off to the bathroom. Slut-kabob followed me in. I thought for sure we were about to get into an all out fist fight when she surprisingly whispered into my ear..."I want to lick your pussy." Me being the opportunist that I am, took her up on this offer, went into the stall and she went to town. My ex walked in and looked under the stall and here she was on her knees. :) She did this to me again about a month later.

2. Blowjobs under the bar: I don't totally remember this, but it's been told to me several times. While standing at the very crowded bar...someone dared me to give a few bjs under the bar while they waited for their drinks. I don't turn down I did it. No one caught us. Awesome status.

3. Your old booty calls...all in one spot: One time while out on the patio, a large group of dudes started hovering around me trying to talk to me...I'm pretty sure I had about 8 offers for slumber parties this evening. 7 of my former booty calls (none knowing the other one) were around me, talking about me. I don't have very many awkward moments, but this was one of them. I also forgot who I left with.

4. The Swirley: Yes, I gave a girl a swirley in the bathroom. She was talking shit, so I grabbed her by the back of the neck, stuck her head in the toilet, flushed, and laughed as she flailed around in their like a salmon. I was promptly escorted out.

5. My first fight: After taking shot after shot and insult after insult, I walked out to the parking lot where 3 girls were chasing my male conquest around his truck. I pulled off my shoes and set down my purse in my car very calmly,walked up to the one crazy bitch who had really succeeded in striking a nerve. I said "Listen wanna back up your shit?" Grabbed her hair, and punched her repeatedly in the head while it bounced off the hood of a Cadillac until several people pulled me off. I then screamed "Cunt, how did it feel to have 26 years of pent up aggression let out on you?"

6. BJ's behind Dumpsters: The owner of Old Main already hated me for giving lapdances in her bar, but when she saw me blowing someone behind her dumpster, she kicked me out :( I remember the look on her face as she said "omigosh!" and I looked up with my mouth full and said mumbled "Whatttt?"

7. Car Gangbang: Somehow I end up in a gang bang almost eveytime I go to the pub. This time was with 4 guys in the back of a Kia...I'll just leave it at that.

8. Body Shots on the Bar: A bunch of random strangers (both male and female) ended up doing body shots off my nipples on top of the bar on a random Thursday...still fucking fun.

9. 3 Girl Man Fight...I win: All these stupid hoes in the bathroom were fighting over who got to go home with someone I've already been with. I walked out of the stall, marched past them, didn't say a word to them and found him at the bar. I said "wanna go fuck?" I pulled him out to the parking lot and rode him in the front seat of my car. He then returned to the bar. There bitches, enjoy my sloppy seconds :)

10. Handjob? More like E.D: One night this foreign guy was sitting at the bar with his translator. I think he was Belgian. Somehow he got the crazy idea I was a hooker (what?! not me?!...haha) and had his translator ask me how much for a handjob. I said $100. He took the money out, we walked to his BMW, and he whipped out his limp little weenie while I got my money from him and sat there. After 20 seconds, he said "Uh oh, not working." Handed me a bag of coke and I left with my $100 free and clear.

So there you have it...Old Main Pub...for the past 5've been my most favorite bar...I salute thee.

Friday, June 22, 2012

A Bunch of Floppy Wangs

One night at the bar I was out with a girlfriend and spotted a group of sexy friends. I'm  not very good at sharing, so I planned to have them all to myself. I basically gave her the ugliest one with the smallest (rumored) dick, and decided I would go home at night with the other 5. I looked at one, grabbed his dick, and said "Look, i'm gonna make this really easy...I am down for the gangbang...the more the merrier." Of course he didn't have much hesitation and started rounding his buddies up. Now we were all very very drunk, so we stumble throughout the bar, got in the car and tried to think of a place to go. One of my boys, Joe suggested his house. He lives with his dad who was sleeping in the next room over. Joe opened his window and in crawled one guy. By this time i had already started getting down to business. The window remained open and one at a time these guys crawled in until all 5 were present. Every guy was pretty intoxicated and that was extremely apparent since I literally sucked dick non stop for 45 minutes and none of them could stay fully hard except the chubby guy who ended up there by default because he was in the right place at the right time. Why the fuck is it always the chubby guy that has no problem maintaining a boner in the middle of a sausage fest? Thats fine tubb-o...just bend me over so I don't have to look at you and i can finish sucking these hot guys off.

You can really tell who hasn't been involved in a gang bang before by their mannerisms. They expect you to do all the work which is bullshit. If you've ever watched a porno, the guys that aren't in the middle of a turn are usually in the corner jacking off trying to get ready for their turn. Not these drunk fuckers. They just stood around and laughed. This of course made me laugh. Here I am in a room full of floppy wangs swingin in the wind when all i wanted was to get gang banged in proper classy fashion. I was intent on getting at least some double penetration. Meanwhile Joe's dad is banging on the wall screaming about the commotion.  "Hey dad, sorry about all the noises, the fat dudes balls slapping against my sweaty ass, the sloppy wet sucking sound, and all the laughing...we're just trying to run a train in's ok, normal Saturday, go back to bed." I halfway expected him to walk in and join us. After all this time and my mouth getting tired, i drunkenly laid on the bed and did what any drunk slut would do at 4am...I told them all they could just do whatever they needed to to get off and cum on my face and hurry the fuck up because I wanted to go home and go to bed. So after all this time, we finally ended up with a half-limp dick bukkake and tubb-o trying to be my best friend because it's probably the first time he's been laid in 5 basically my typical charity weekend.