Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Jesus Sees You!

One time I went on a date with a guy I met on Myspace, and I was horny as hell, so our date which he had no idea about, was going to be a booty call. He picked me up in the worst car I have EVER been in. A fucking Geo Metro. Now as if this wasn't bad enough, the guy had his surfboard in the front seat. I walked up to the car and asked if he was going to move his surfboard. His response was, "Uh, actually, she's my baby, and she's riding in front, so you can get behind me." Ew. Well this was my first mistake. I thoroughly should have never gotten in the car with an asshole who made me ride in the backseat. Begrudgingly, I crawled in back, and said "Look. I don't want to date you, so let's get right down to it...I want to fuck. Now its up to you what we do from here, but my intentions are clear and I suggest you find a good spot." So Geo Metro drove us to this Christian Retreat place out in Parrish, and I didn't really care because it looked dark and secluded. Now I just had to figure out how we were going to fuck in a damn Geo Metro which is the size of my butthole, it's so fucking small, things are much easier coming out than going in.

Finally Geo Metro decides he can now remove his surfboard from the front seat since he knows he's gonna get laid, so he set it outside the car and leaned it against the window. We started to get down to business, the usual car sex special---1st making out, 2nd add your hands, 3rd I start feeling on your crotch and unzipping your pants, and 4th I give you a Pro-Job, and if you can still hold your semen, step 5, the penetration. Well I can tell you this much, steps 1-3 went smoothly, but by the time step 4 came around, I had my mouth around his cock and I saw a creepy shadow hovering in the window. I jumped up like holy shit and the creepy shadow knocked on the window. My date fucking rolls the window down with his boner hanging out and said "Umm....can we help you?" Creepy shadowman turned out to be a damn preacher or something and said "This is private property. Private CHURCH property. Obviously you're not here for church, so I suggest you leave before I call the cops." My dumb self decided to yell "Fuck the police...what are they gonna do? Write me a citation for sucking dick?" And thats when Geo Metro freaked out, turned on the car, and said "Uh, sorry sir, we're leaving." The last words the preacher said to me as we were about to drive off was "Young lady...the police may not do anything about your vile act, but remember this....Jesus sees everything."

From that moment on, I was an atheist because I was going to continue to partake in "vile" acts and I certainly didn't want to keep thinking Jesus was watching me, possibly getting a boner, and jerking off in heaven.

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