Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Ecstasy? Not quite.

The first time I took Ecstasy was one of the most retarded and fucked up nights of my life. This story isn't very funny, but I think it's pretty entertaining. I first want to start off describing what I looked like at this time. I was 19, skinny as fuck, flat chested, and had a bright red mullet. Yes, I had a big Ronald McDonald head full of business in the front, party in the back. Not by choice of course, I was a model in a hair show the week prior and while on stage I watched my beautiful hair be cut off and thinned out into this hideously gay thing. I had officially swore off wearing my hair down so I always wore it up and found this to be one time in my life when I was not very cute, but alas, I still found a large group of men who were still attracted to me. Moving on.

That particular night, I decided I was going to try ecstasy with my best friend at the time Annie, and a large group of various guys. I took it and we all sat around listening to Pink Floyd. I was starting to get pissed because damnit, my pill wasn't working. I didn't feel a thing and I started bitching. Lowman (one of the guys) told me to just wait and that I would feel a wet blanket all of a sudden and then I would know it was working. We all then decided to go to a party. We took 3 cars. The one I was in carried me, Annie, and 2 random guys. We stopped at a gas station. Still didn't feel shit. We kept driving...and then it fucking hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything felt amazing. Techno was blaring and we were cruising down Cortez road. All of sudden, no warning what-so-ever, I got sick. I couldn't hold it. I was going to vomit. I was in the backseat of the van and you know the part in the movie Exorcist where projectile vomit spews out in one long stream? That was this. But worse. The vomit flew over the seat and onto the guy in front of me's head. He screamed like a girl...."What the fuck? That bitch just barfed on me!" The driver who was laughing hysterically pulled over. I was apologizing hardcore trying to find something to clean the dude up with. I had vomit dripping down my legs too and the whole van fucking reaked. The dude was angry as hell, and rightfully so...he told us to drop him off so he could shower. We did.

We proceed to the party. I'm still rolling my ass off, laughing hysterically about the vomit, and horny as hell. I tried dyking out with Annie, but she said no because she wasn't "like that". Strike 1, Miss Jackson. When we got to the party, I quickly realized this was no ordinary party, it was a total blowout. There were literally hundreds of people there, and I had on vomit jeans and a fucking red mullet. I went into the house, forced myself past the people, and went upstairs. I passed by a room where 2 guys were playing on the computer and went to the bathroom to clean up. After I left the room, I decided to pay the 2 strangers a visit. I walked into the room, started getting naked, and said "Hey...who wants to fuck me?" Obviously they said yes. We started to go at it, but forgot to close the door. A crowd started drawing at the door opening to watch the 3some and our performance was going really well. All of a sudden this bitchy looking cunt pushes past the crowd and screams like she's being fucking raped or something. I have a dude's dick in my mouth and another one in my hand, stopped what I was doing and started laughing like a banshee rolling around on the floor. Apparently blowjob boy is this crazy bitches boyfriend and she's not too thrilled about catching him in the act.

I start to recognize trouble and hurriedly put my clothes back on. The people in the doorway parted like the Dead Sea as the continued to watch bitch girl go after her boyfriend. I was running down the stairs when I heard some people yell "Oh shit." The next thing I know I'm being tackled by bitchy girlfriend down the stairs. I fell with her on my back (thank god I didn't have my fake boobs at this time) flat on the floor and slammed my face into the wall. She was considerably shorter than me, but slightly chunky, and in my ecstasy/adrenaline rush, I tossed her off me with some Superman-like strength. She bumped her head, got back up, and fucking tackled me again. Damn, this bitch was relentless! By this time no one was doing anything other than watching me and bitch girl fight. I, of course, couldn't find my friends anywhere amongst all these people, so I figured shit, I had to do this on my own.

So this bitch and I are throwing punches and then she just stops. It was like Jesus fucking touched her and told her to do what happened next. Bitch gets off me, calmly walks into the kitchen, and pulls out a giant steak knife. Not quite a butcher's knife, but big enough to do some damage. I quickly look for exits, figure this bitch is gonna try and kill me and start to run. Damn it if this little Chupacabra looking bitch didn't run just as fast as my tall gangly ass. Meanwhile people are frantic trying to grab her, restrain her, stop her, something...some girl even called 911. I scanned the room and picked up the nearest large object...a bar stool. I think I must have snapped or something because I hit her once. It injured her. She still had the knife. People were freaking out around us. I hit her again. She fell to the floor. She dropped the knife. I hit her again. She was now in the fetal position. I heard someone yell the cops were coming, so I hit her several more times. Not enough to kill her, just enough to fuck her up. Now I know what you're thinking. "Damn Barbie is a fucking psycho." Now think what the fuck you would do if some bitch just chased you around a house with over 100 people in it, with a fucking steak knife. Self-defense mother fuckers.

At this point, one of my friends guided me outside, and told me to start running and she would pick me up at Walmart on Cortez. So me, my red mullet, and my barf pants take off. I think I got maybe 5 blocks down the road before the cops pulled up behind me. They ID'ed me. Fuck my life. They took me down to the station where I was scared shitless, still kind of rolling, and after questioning me, placed me under arrest for attempted murder.

Long story short, my bar stool antic put homegirl in a coma. They had to Bayflight her out. She remained in a coma for 3 months. Thankfully, due to quite a few eyewitnesses and quite a few signed affidavits, all charges were dropped because it was found to be, yep, self defense. I got my record exponged and went on with life as expected. So hence, my first time rolling, was shitty as hell.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, FUCK that bitch! She got what she deserved... Though in all defense, you DID deserve the tackle from behind...