Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Episodes in Escorting

For a short while, I owned and operated an escort service in order to support my drug habit which I can now laugh about because it's a thing of the past. I got the idea from all the men who kept texting me years after we hooked up about how they really wanted to hang out again and blah blah blah, so I decided that if they wanted to hang out with me, they were gonna have to pay. So I set my prices and away we go. My first customer was a virgin who lived in a halfway house who just inherited a large sum of money. He got us a room at the Hampton Inn. He was pretty fucking ugly, I'm not gonna lie....he had major acne and kind of resembled Mr. Potatohead, but he was paying me $400 to take his virginity and leave. This kid was so lame. If you're uglier than shit...at least have a good personality. He was boring, and quiet, and he had no idea what he was doing. I made him give me the money first, and I took the reins, closed my eyes, and did reverse cowgirl so I didn't have to look at how putrid his face was. It was even worse yet that he had a 3 inch penis which felt like a damn finger to me. So after like 2 minutes of silence and bouncing, I turned around and said "Umm excuse me...are you awake? Did you nut yet?" (of course he was wearing a condom) He responded with the most peculiar answer ever. "I dunno. I think so." Whoa...hold the phone. I looked at him semi-shocked and said "How the fuck do you not know if you came or not?" He said "I just don't know." Oh wow. I just fucked a retard. An ugly ass retard with a tiny dick. I got dressed and started to leave with my money after being in the room with retard for a 10 minute time span. As I was leaving he tried to stop me and said "Wait...is that it? When do I get to see you again?" Ew. I looked back at him and responded with something along the lines of "How bout when you grow a bigger dick and learn what an orgasm feels like?" I never saw him again.

The next client I had was a total creeper who I knew for years and had unintentionally had a blackout-drunk 3some with years before. He had money, was much better looking than I remembered (but still not my type). He had a kid and a girlfriend and loved how I gave head so I met him on my lunchbreak in a parking lot and gave him a $250 blowjob. He then became a fucking creepy stalker and I blocked him on Facebook and pretty much everywhere else, changed my number, etc until his stupid girlfriend found me online and messaged me about how she thought he was cheating on her and I told her how he paid me to give him head and that he was basically trying to rape me continuously. His last name is Akal and I have no problem putting him on blast.

By far my favorite client is someone I'll simply dub "Ball Man". Ball man found me on Facebook and presented me with an opportunity to kick him in the balls as hard as I possibly could and he would pay me $3000 if he could videotape it. I halfway thought he was going to skin me and make lampshades out of me or something, so I made sure I carried my SIG-Sauer P-220 on me (thats a handgun for those of you who don't know). I went to the hotel, ironically at the Ritz Carlton and walked up to the room. Ball Man answered the door, said "You must be Kelly...I'm so excited, I've got my camera all set up." I was fully prepared to kill Ball Man if things got out of hand. He handed me a bikini to put on (if it wasn't new, I wouldn't have worn it), but I tore off the tags, put it on and Ball Man laid on the bed. He explained how it turned him on to be stepped on, kicked, and punched in the nuts. I put on my high heels and crawled on the bed, held on to the wall, and started stepping on his balls. I started laughing hysterically, snorted 3 large lines of coke, and then started jumping up and down. I told Ball Man I wanted to kick him, but i needed my money before this shit went any further. He handed me 30 crisp clean $100's, and we proceeded. I kicked Ball Man about 20 times in the nuts, he kept falling over like a bowling ball, and getting back up and moaning. It was like watching a bug die...you want to put it out of it's misery, but you just keep poking it to see what happens. So Ball Man started bleeding from the nuts, and I said that I had to be taking off as much fun as beating him up was. I was loaded with money and all I had to do was kick around some balls (literally).

So those are just a few of my many escorting adventures, and I'm sure I'll add more later :)

1 comment: