Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Whoa....What did we take home?

My ex boyfriend and I were a very experimental fun couple. We loved to do all sorts of kinky things, and threesomes were no exception. We lived in Lakeland at the time, and if anyone knows who lives in Lakeland, it's like...the dregs of the earth. It's one of the shittiest parts of Florida I've ever seen with a huge meth problem and a bunch of skanky ugly girls. We decide that we're gonna go out to a bar and have a great time...so we go to downtown and before we know it, we're drinking quite heavily. I must have had approximately 25 cran and vodkas, and start talking to this girl...she's decent looking, so I convince her to come home with us. We leave the bar, both me and my boyfriend thinking that we've succeeded in someway. We get her to the house and immediately all start going at it. Clothes are flying everywhere, I'm going down on her, she's going down on me, blah blah blah. At some point, I get really sick, so I run to the bathroom and start puking my mother fucking brains out. At what seemed like the exact same moment, I had a moment of clarity...an epiphany if you will. I look up and see my boyfriend, riding on top of what has to be...easily a 300 lb girl. But this wasn't even a girl with a pretty face...this is a BUTT ASS ugly fat bitch. I freak out...I start puking even more. I scream... "Desmond, eww, what the fuck...? Get off that girl!" The girl of course yellls back the stereotypical "Whats your problem? You didn't mind me a few minutes ago." Ok...now you done pissed me off Heffer... I practically shove my boyfriend off of her, I guess he had an epiphany too because he looked absolutely repulsed that he had just been porking...well, a PORKER. She starts screaming obscenities, and I grab all of her clothes...and proceed to toss them out the window of our apartment. After this, she looks shocked...so I tell her, "Go fetch you fucking Pitbull." That's right, I said it...and we practically pushed this bitch out the door butt ass naked. She had to run around our apartment complex naked to go get her clothes. I'll never forget the look on her face...it was sadness mixed with hatred mixed with disgust...we never saw or heard from Porky again...and we both made a pact that we would never discuss the wart hog we brought home that night.

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