Monday, June 25, 2012

Old Main Pub...My Little Slice of Adventure

This is basically an ode to Old Main Pub...aka my favorite bar. Now, I never thought I would like a dive bar, but this is the spot to go in Downtown Bradenton. I cannot begin to convey the good times I've had this is a compilation of a few of my best and fondest memories.

1. Girl on Girl in the bathroom x2: After an argument over my ex with one of his former slut-kabobs, I sauntered off to the bathroom. Slut-kabob followed me in. I thought for sure we were about to get into an all out fist fight when she surprisingly whispered into my ear..."I want to lick your pussy." Me being the opportunist that I am, took her up on this offer, went into the stall and she went to town. My ex walked in and looked under the stall and here she was on her knees. :) She did this to me again about a month later.

2. Blowjobs under the bar: I don't totally remember this, but it's been told to me several times. While standing at the very crowded bar...someone dared me to give a few bjs under the bar while they waited for their drinks. I don't turn down I did it. No one caught us. Awesome status.

3. Your old booty calls...all in one spot: One time while out on the patio, a large group of dudes started hovering around me trying to talk to me...I'm pretty sure I had about 8 offers for slumber parties this evening. 7 of my former booty calls (none knowing the other one) were around me, talking about me. I don't have very many awkward moments, but this was one of them. I also forgot who I left with.

4. The Swirley: Yes, I gave a girl a swirley in the bathroom. She was talking shit, so I grabbed her by the back of the neck, stuck her head in the toilet, flushed, and laughed as she flailed around in their like a salmon. I was promptly escorted out.

5. My first fight: After taking shot after shot and insult after insult, I walked out to the parking lot where 3 girls were chasing my male conquest around his truck. I pulled off my shoes and set down my purse in my car very calmly,walked up to the one crazy bitch who had really succeeded in striking a nerve. I said "Listen wanna back up your shit?" Grabbed her hair, and punched her repeatedly in the head while it bounced off the hood of a Cadillac until several people pulled me off. I then screamed "Cunt, how did it feel to have 26 years of pent up aggression let out on you?"

6. BJ's behind Dumpsters: The owner of Old Main already hated me for giving lapdances in her bar, but when she saw me blowing someone behind her dumpster, she kicked me out :( I remember the look on her face as she said "omigosh!" and I looked up with my mouth full and said mumbled "Whatttt?"

7. Car Gangbang: Somehow I end up in a gang bang almost eveytime I go to the pub. This time was with 4 guys in the back of a Kia...I'll just leave it at that.

8. Body Shots on the Bar: A bunch of random strangers (both male and female) ended up doing body shots off my nipples on top of the bar on a random Thursday...still fucking fun.

9. 3 Girl Man Fight...I win: All these stupid hoes in the bathroom were fighting over who got to go home with someone I've already been with. I walked out of the stall, marched past them, didn't say a word to them and found him at the bar. I said "wanna go fuck?" I pulled him out to the parking lot and rode him in the front seat of my car. He then returned to the bar. There bitches, enjoy my sloppy seconds :)

10. Handjob? More like E.D: One night this foreign guy was sitting at the bar with his translator. I think he was Belgian. Somehow he got the crazy idea I was a hooker (what?! not me?!...haha) and had his translator ask me how much for a handjob. I said $100. He took the money out, we walked to his BMW, and he whipped out his limp little weenie while I got my money from him and sat there. After 20 seconds, he said "Uh oh, not working." Handed me a bag of coke and I left with my $100 free and clear.

So there you have it...Old Main Pub...for the past 5've been my most favorite bar...I salute thee.

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