Hot MMA Fighters Are a fucking let down

I met a hot local Bradenton MMA fighter on Facebook, and upon seeing him and how fucking ridiculously sexy he was, I decided I must ease my throbbing pussy and bang him. We started to hang out at his house and he put in a movie...I've been over this before....guy puts in movie, girl spreads legs. I got naked and he got down to his boxers, and damn...he looked really good. I was soaking wet and excited, and he crawled on top of me and we made out. I was hyped. He was an athlete, he was hot, I bet he would be great in bed since most athletes are. Boy, was I wrong. He then went down on me....and down on me...and stayed down there for what seemed like forever. I was instructing him how to eat my pussy because he just plain sucked, and by then I think I fucking lost feeling down there. I couldn't have an orgasm to save my life, so I just faked one and he got off me. I then did the usual BJ, but I wouldn't let him cum because I wanted to try the sex out. Surely the sex would be great...some people just suck at eating pussy. I was wrong again. He had a pencil dick. It was of average length, but it's ridiculous how thin this thing was. It would be like banging a carrot. Ok...fine...so I let him get it in. We try missionary but I can't feel his dickorexic weiner that well, so I tell him to bend me over. Not but maybe 3 minutes into the thrusting MMA boy pulls the doglock on me. The doglock is a move I have named because it happens doggystyle, when the guy busts his load and he wraps his arms around you like you're gonna run away or something and locks you down. I couldn't believe he was already done. I actually turned around and said "Ummm....ew....are you finished?" And he said yes and jumped in the shower. This sex was a large letdown for me, because in my mind I had hyped him up to be this sexy athlete with some monster cock and really he was just a pretty package with a below average dick and no oral skills. I was so unsatisfied, that afterward, I made hot MMA guy drive me out to the country so i could have a 3some with these 2 other guys. He continues to tell me he wants to hang out and fuck me again, but I have to say the it wasn't worth it, and I don't care how famous he becomes, he was still a horrible lay in every fucking way.

A Bitch Move

I've done plenty of mean shit in my day. If you piss me off, I'm not the type of person to usually get in a physical fight with someone, I'd rather go behind the person's back and secretly ruin their life in what I like to call "stealth revenge". The best example I can give of this happened when I was 16 or 17 years old. I had a crush on this guy forever (7 years), almost to the point of being semi-obsessed, but knew he was completely out of my league all these years (I was a huge dork back in the day). When I was 16, I had a nose job. Suddenly I was hot and everything changed. The kids that made fun of me were now trying to fuck me. I switched high schools because I needed a clean slate. In the meantime, my crush since I was 7 years old, started chatting with me online. The problem was he had a girlfriend. Not just any girlfriend, but a huge fucking bitch I went to school with for years who made fun of me constantly and I absolutely hated. She was a cheerleader, excessively popular, and I hated the fact she had my dream man's attention. So I start plotting my revenge. I invite hottie crush over to my house when I know my parents will be gone and I set up a video camera. I had never had sex on video before, but I just knew it was gonna be hot.

Hottie arrives at my house as planned and I turn on my camera. He doesn't know he's being videotaped, but I do, and I'm all about the performance. I couldn't believe I'm about to have sex with a guy I've dreamt about for years. I have him on my bed and we're making out naked. His dick isn't quite big, but I thought it was ok at the time. So we fuck. The sex is below mediocre. I'm slightly disappointed as he left my house in a hurry. My crush on him has left me. This was nothing how I planned. He wasn't good in bed, it wasn't romantic, and all I had to show for it was a fucking video. I still hated his girlfriend and now I fucked him, and she was going to know about it. Finding her address wasn't hard. I then went with my mom to the store, and I bought a manilla envelope. When I got back to the house, I put the video inside the envelope and I mailed it to her. Address to: M------ B----. I would have killed to see the look on her face when she saw the mysterious videotape and inserted it into her VCR and saw her boyfriend fucking the girl she had made fun of all these years.

I never talked to him again. I never saw her again, but I know they broke up. I moved to Florida and all I can remember is this...that was probably one of the meaner things I've ever done, but I think I did them both a favor. No one stays with their high school bf/gf forever, and I just gave them a valid reason to part ways.

Dyking Out With Straight Friends= An awkward morning

I used to have (keywords used to) a best friend who was very straight. She had kissed one girl in college, but was quite clearly not into other girls. I thought she was a pretty girl, but I didn't really have any interest in hooking up with her. One night straight girl and I went out to a club. It was fun, we were having a great time, and she expressed to me that she really wanted to hook up with this guy we knew who was older, but in great shaped and pretty good looking. Sure enough, old guy wasn't a stranger to the game of pimp and decided to invite us both over to his house. My straight friend was VERY intoxicated at this point, and I was pretty drunk too, but nowhere near her almost-unconscious state of mind. When we got to old guy's house, he poured us more to drink and invited us into the hot tub (like I said...pimp). So I said fuck it and got naked and got in the hot tub and was sipping on champagne. Then straight girl and old guy joined me, but with part of their clothes on. I kind of knew this was heading somewhere, but I wasn't quite sure of the dynamics. Old guy and straight girl started to make out right in front of me in the hot tub. I didn't like this because I felt super left out...so I got a case of the "fuck-its" and reached under the water and started fingering straight girl. I figured the worst thing she could do is push my hand away...but, she didn't.

Old guy was turned on by this whole thing and invited us into the bedroom. Straight girl was so inebriated, she ripped off her clothes and jumped onto his bed, so he and I followed. They started to fool around and I started to suck his dick. Old guy must have felt super happy because straight girl jumped on top of him, and started humping the shit out him. I sat on old guy's face and started to be kind of mean to straight girl. My inner dominatrix came out, and I was yelling at her calling her a whore and telling her to ride his dick better or I was gonna show her how. I then decide I want straight girl to eat my pussy. I virtually yanked this bitch off his dick and pushed her head down on me. Suddenly straight girl turned into a lesbian porn star. She started eating me out...not just a normal lick or two, but full on fat kid diving head first into a tub of ice cream. I couldn't believe it. She was going to town on my vagina and kept asking if she was doing it right. I told her to keep going and I'm pretty sure I slapped her upside the head.

Long story short, I blacked out and so did she, and we woke up next to eachother naked under a down comforter. She looked at me with the most fearful serious face and asked "Oh my gosh....what happened last night and why are we naked?" Awkward silence. I started laughing and said I didn't remember. She then remembered she had to work, so we put on our clothes and started to leave. Old guy was passed the fuck out on the couch. I spotted his wallet, noticed $180 in it, and took it, mumbling under my breath "Pleasure doing business with you." Straight girl never talked to me again. Hooking up with her ruined our friendship. I still don't know if it was out of embarrassment or not, but for at least one night, she was my lesbian lover.

Yeah, I am a Bitch

It's really never a good idea to dress slutty around your best friend's boyfriend. Especially if you know he's somewhat of a man whore. I nicknamed this guy "Wee Man" because even though he was a good looking guy, he kind of resembled Wee Man from Jackass (at least to me he did). The night started out fucked up. We arrived at Wee Man's house, and my best friend introduced us. This guy was what I'll call a stealth pimp. He had a pimp house, with a stripper pole (and it's own stage) in the middle of his living room. He wore expensive designer clothes, and he drove a Maserati. He was the kind of guy who you knew fucked lots of girls, but my delusional best friend thought she had tamed him. He almost immediately hit on me. I was 21 and smokin hot, so I don't really blame him. I was wearing a pink sparkly corset and a mini skirt and high heels and he made a comment about my ass. I didn't realize how much trouble this night was about to cause me.

We went out to Siesta Key and headed to Gilligan's and Rhino Room. Somewhere along the line at Rhino Room, I got seperated from my friends, so I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I saw a guy that I knew and I went over and sat on his lap, chatting with him. Around that time, some crazy black bitch who was apparently in the group with this guy got up in my face and called me a slut for sitting on his lap. I'm not a racist, but I was drunk and I definately started calling her a "Dumb N----- Bitch" and saying if she didn't get the fuck away from me, I'd fucking kill her. I tuned out what she was saying, and then she pushed me. My drunk ass stumbled and fell backwards into a table and the bouncers started to run over. I then threw a drink in her face, and yanked out part of her weave as she struggled to get me off of her. The bouncers grabbed both of us and threw us out. I thought, "Fuck...all my friends are inside." Somehow, I managed to sneak back in and then bitched at my friends for not having my back in a fight and then I threw the partial weave in my friends purse.

I continued to drink and ended up dancing on a pole. Wee Man was eyeing me like a piece of steak. Wee Man walked away and started talking to 2 girls. He told my best friend that he was going to drive back to his house and he would call her in the morning. My best friend was no idiot, but was very drunk. We got into her car and she decided to drive over to his house. When we got there, we noticed an extra car. Of course my drunk friend gets out of her car and goes over and starts banging on the door. He answers, is shocked she's there, and they yell at eachother. Somewhere in between this my friend notices the 2 girls from the club dancing on the stripper pole. He slammed the door in her face and said they were his friends. *cough bullshit cough*. My drunk friend went to every door and tried to break in. I stood outside the car telling her to come on, but she wouldn't listen and started fucking crying. Now I was pissed off. She was so drunk, she literally sat her ass in the middle of his street crying her eyes out. I decided it was time for me to become mediator, so I told her to move and sit in the car and I would go try to round up the whores and get them out of his house. She agreed and climbed into her Jetta.

I marched up to the door inside the open garage, and knocked. Wee Man aka stealth pimp opened it up and invited me inside. I saw the whores, called them "whores" and Wee Man gave me a drink. I told him we needed to talk and that his girlfriend was extremely upset and I didn't blame her. He grabbed me by the hand and he said "Come here...I wanna show you something." I think I kept lecturing him as he pulled me into his bedroom and then into his bathroom. I had no idea what was going to happen next. He pulled up my skirt (I never wear panties with skirts), pulled his dick out, and bent me over the sink. We had this wild crazy hot sex in the bathroom, I pulled my skirt down, and I said I had to leave. I went, got into the car, and told my friend that he was an asshole and to dump him. She did. She still to this day doesn't know that I was the whore that fucked him that night...

Did you just have an orgasm? ON MY PILLOW!?!?

When I was in rehab (I wrote about my little sexual escapades there previously), we had some very strict rules. On holidays however, we were allowed to sit on the couch and watch movies co-ed style (whoo hoo! hardcore). My little fuck buddy sat on one side, my female fuck buddy on the other, and another one the other side of her. We were all watching Alien and I had on these booty shorts. My fuck buddy Jessica Rabbit, had her pillow on my lap and kept putting her head on it. Meanwhile, my male fuck buddy decided to have a little finger parade on my magic button. While the rehab monitors wandered in and out of the room, and their were also about 25 tattle-tales in this room as well, Fingers kept on playing with my pussy. I got closer and closer to having this mind blowing (yet quiet ass orgasm) and finally i couldn't take it. Jessica Rabbit's head started vibrating along with my hips and she immediately sat up. I squirted...out my shorts (I wasn't wearing panties) and all over her pillow. Jessica Rabbit wasn't very happy about having to sleep on pussy juice that night, but trust me, I made it up to her :)

Shar Pei

The first time I ever drank alcohol I was 17 (yes, I was fucking a late bloomer...you can suck it!). I went on a date with this gorgeous European doctor that I met at, duh, the hospital. He was 32, and he took me out to this great restaurant in Washington DC. I'm assuming they thought because he was older that I must be at least 21, because he ordered and they didn't card us, and I proceeded to drink. A lot. I ordered every different drink I could think of because shit, why not? I might not get this opportunity again for awhile. I can only imagine what the waitress thought...she must have been like "Damn, homegirl's an alcoholic like a motha fucka!" So we leave the restaurant and I stumbled down the street like a down syndrome baby trying to walk in a moon bounce. When we got to the car, we decided to go for a "drive" aka, let's go park the car and fuck in it.

Things started out pretty sloppy...I threw up on his shoes. Not just any shoes, but Versace shoes which he wasn't too thrilled about, but I was jailbait, so he got over it. This is where another first for me happened. He started to unzip his pants, and I was drunk as fuck so I'm pretty sure I tried sucking his zipper off. He was hard, and then he whipped it out...I beheld quite possibly the ugliest penis ever. It resembled a Shar Pei...really wrinkly looking and smushy. I looked down at it and in horror I exclaimed "Ew...what the fuck is wrong with your dick?" He gave me the strangest look ever and started laughing and told me it was uncircumsized. Uncircumsized? Wow! I thought this was an urban legend or something because I was in shock. Why did it look like one of those cocktail weiners aka pigs in a blanket? Gross.

I sat there staring at it for like 5 minutes before I finally looked at him and said "Nope, uh uh...ain't happenin, take me home." He asked me why and I told him "I can't touch that thing...it probably has AIDS! And how am I supposed to suck it? Peel back the layers like a fruit roll up or something?" I made this Dr. feel like shit. He didn't talk to me the whole ride home. I don't know if anyone had ever had this extreme of a reaction to his centipede cock, but his ego was quite bruised and his balls were quite blue. When I got home I actually cried because I had just seen this scary ass dick that I was quite sure was going to rape me or kill me.

Long story short, I got a little older, saw more Shar Pei's and eventually got used to them, and even enjoyed them in some cases. I figure now that pedo Dr. got what he deserved for being 32 trying to take advantage of an innocent (haha) 17 year old girl.

Ecstasy? Not quite.

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