My first lesbian porno was for my boyfriend's website imadirtylittleslut.com (RIP). We went to all these lengths to find dumb sluts who would perform for next to nothing. We started adding all these bisexual girls to our Myspace account and found a gold mine. Girls are naturally stupid or fame whores or something...we actually got chicks to do shit for free, but that's another story. Enter Sonya, a dumb Russian sloot who said for $200 she would do basically anything we wanted. So anyways, we get her to our hotel and she instantly gets naked and starts banging herself with a cucumber. She then puts both sides of this double sided black dildo we nicknamed "Leroy" in her. Enter Barbie (aka me) who decides this video sucks and needs some schwag. I get in the shower and hand Sonya this strap on which she ends up loving and have her bang me in the ass with it. The whole situation is pretty hot, but to me this still is not exciting enough. Somewhere in between this time, I go to the bathroom, and poo (yes, Barbie's poo too), and come back out, and smother my ass on this girls mouth. Hahahahaha she was licking me front to back not even knowing I just took a crap (remember this story isn't supposed to turn you on anyways, friend.) Then I tell Sonya to lay on the bed upside down on the edge so I can fuck her throat with this awesome strap on. She does it. While I am pounding the shit out of her face with the pointy purple dildo, I say "yeah bitch, you fucking like that cock!" and spit on this bitches face. I spit in her mouth, in her eyes, I just kept spitting on her and then I slapped the shit out of her and in her little Russian accent she says "Ooooh yes do it again...." so I slap her again. This is where I decide Sonya is pretty fucking cool with me, but there's one more test she has to pass. My personal favorite fetish, the golden shower. If you enjoy a golden shower, you're my lifelong buddy. It's just pee. It's sterile, it's like hot yellow sunshine in a liquid form. I grab Sonya, grab our camera guy and haul ass into the bathroom. I tell her to sit down in the shower and I'm gonna give her a golden shower. OH SHIT was she all about this or what? Homegirl starts bathing in my piss. She starts licking my pussy while I'm peeing and it gets all up in her hair and face and mouth and she laps it up like a fucking dog. Sonya was the most wonderfully slutty chick I've ever met. I knew I must see her again.
The next time I saw Sonya was 2 months later with my boyfriend and several of our friends. Sonya had a German Shephard, and stated on her profile that she was into "K-9". So being as how we aren't in Mexico, and can't pay to see a Donkey Show, we paid Sonya $180 for a doggy show. There were about 9 of us in the room and Sonya starts stripping off her clothes. She actually gets down on the floor and starts sucking on this dog's lipstick. EW. It was like seeing a homeless person get beat up by a bunch of hoodlum youth...you wanted to stop it...you wanted to not watch...but you couldn't fucking take your eyes off it. She bent over doggy style, how appropriate, while the 9 of us sat drinking beer, smoking a blunt, and laughing. Holy SHIT...this dog was GETTIN IT...he was humping this chick like he'd never get to do it again. I started to feel slightly uncomfortable but it was so shocking, i just kept on watching. I guess the dog nutted, because she separated herself from the red rocket, got up, looked at us and in that hot accent said "Dat was pretty good right?" we all clapped, I gave her a hug, and left the house. I had bad dreams for a week, and never saw Sonya again...but shit...Russian bitches fuck there dogs, drink piss, and lick brown-eyes...they are the coolest people alive.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The Blowjob Chronicles
This is a compilation of random blowjobs and the wonders of the penis
1. The 30-second man: This is the guy who is about to cum before you even blow him. This is my favorite type of blowjob because, duh, there's barely any process of technique to it, and the guy always worships you afterward. They always say something that's supposedly flattering like "Oh holy shit. I've never gotten off that fast in my entire life! You're amazing!" Not that I doubt my incredibly skilled oral practices, but I always think to myself, "Ya right. You can't hold your load and if I fucked you I'd be left with an empty soul laying in a puddle of cum on the bed." My biggest accomplishment was when I was a Junior in High School and I made this guy Mike nut in the parking lot of a bowling alley within 10 seconds. Literally, 10 fucking seconds. I barely touched the thing and he busted.
2. Mr. Sensi-balls: This type of guy has uber sensitive balls and if you get anywhere near them, the guy cringes and busts out into hysterical tinkle laughter. I once was kicked in the face by this guy as I was attempting to roll his balls around in my mouth. I try to do a sample lick now before I proceed with any ball technique.
3. The Cruncher: The cruncher is a VERY rare breed of man I have only encountered one time in my life. I was at this house when I was around 18 being a whore as usual and had just banged 2 really hot guys who I now don't remember (probably because it was just very routine sex) and then there was Garrett. I sat on this bed, and started sucking his dick. He then told me to "get rough with it" so I slapped myself across the face with it. I felt like a fucking retard. He started to laugh. "No no...bite it. Hard!" Ok...now....pause. This is what has been told to me for my entire sexual life....never bite a guys dick...I was confused, but I did it. Holy shit. This kid nutted enough to fill a fucking ice tray. Weirdo. He's now married. Even more weird.
4. The Slow-Mo: I know everyone likes something different, but this type of guy bores me. I mean I can't do anything different, everytime I try to speed shit up, they stop me and are like..."no go back to the slow thing you just did....ya....that's it baby." OMG. That shit is borderline lame...can't I vary anything? No. He wants it fucking slow and steady while I roll my eyes and hope he fucking busts soon.
5. The Rough Neck: This is the guy who either knew I was a slut and would just fucking take it, or actually liked this shit. Every girl knows this guy. He puts his hand on the back of your head, possibly grabbing a chunk of your hair, and tries to thrust the shit out of your throat while you make funny mouth noises, somewhat resembling a quacking duck, which he thinks is fucking awesome. I've thrown up on 3 dicks in my life and you know what? I fucking swallowed that shit back down and kept going because I'm a fucking champ. I'll be damned if I'm gonna be known as that bitch who barfed on your cock.
So there you have it....almost every guy falls into one of these 5 categories...some better than others, but always memorable.
1. The 30-second man: This is the guy who is about to cum before you even blow him. This is my favorite type of blowjob because, duh, there's barely any process of technique to it, and the guy always worships you afterward. They always say something that's supposedly flattering like "Oh holy shit. I've never gotten off that fast in my entire life! You're amazing!" Not that I doubt my incredibly skilled oral practices, but I always think to myself, "Ya right. You can't hold your load and if I fucked you I'd be left with an empty soul laying in a puddle of cum on the bed." My biggest accomplishment was when I was a Junior in High School and I made this guy Mike nut in the parking lot of a bowling alley within 10 seconds. Literally, 10 fucking seconds. I barely touched the thing and he busted.
2. Mr. Sensi-balls: This type of guy has uber sensitive balls and if you get anywhere near them, the guy cringes and busts out into hysterical tinkle laughter. I once was kicked in the face by this guy as I was attempting to roll his balls around in my mouth. I try to do a sample lick now before I proceed with any ball technique.
3. The Cruncher: The cruncher is a VERY rare breed of man I have only encountered one time in my life. I was at this house when I was around 18 being a whore as usual and had just banged 2 really hot guys who I now don't remember (probably because it was just very routine sex) and then there was Garrett. I sat on this bed, and started sucking his dick. He then told me to "get rough with it" so I slapped myself across the face with it. I felt like a fucking retard. He started to laugh. "No no...bite it. Hard!" Ok...now....pause. This is what has been told to me for my entire sexual life....never bite a guys dick...I was confused, but I did it. Holy shit. This kid nutted enough to fill a fucking ice tray. Weirdo. He's now married. Even more weird.
4. The Slow-Mo: I know everyone likes something different, but this type of guy bores me. I mean I can't do anything different, everytime I try to speed shit up, they stop me and are like..."no go back to the slow thing you just did....ya....that's it baby." OMG. That shit is borderline lame...can't I vary anything? No. He wants it fucking slow and steady while I roll my eyes and hope he fucking busts soon.
5. The Rough Neck: This is the guy who either knew I was a slut and would just fucking take it, or actually liked this shit. Every girl knows this guy. He puts his hand on the back of your head, possibly grabbing a chunk of your hair, and tries to thrust the shit out of your throat while you make funny mouth noises, somewhat resembling a quacking duck, which he thinks is fucking awesome. I've thrown up on 3 dicks in my life and you know what? I fucking swallowed that shit back down and kept going because I'm a fucking champ. I'll be damned if I'm gonna be known as that bitch who barfed on your cock.
So there you have it....almost every guy falls into one of these 5 categories...some better than others, but always memorable.
British Men Fucking Suck In Bed
I always thought British guys were sexy, but no. They're like a piece of shadooby (aka poop) inside of a Gucci bag. It looks good on the outside, but if you open it up, there's still a stinky pile of crap in there. So allow me to explain. I met this guy on facebook, and he was British and adorable. We went to his parents house (awkward) and headed into the bedroom to watch a movie. Innevitably anyone who watches a movie with me usually gets laid. So here we lay on the bed and the movie sucks, so I decide to make a move because Brit is obviously scared to since he's like shaking laying next to me. So I reach over, and I start casually rubbing on his junk, which seems pretty big...so I'm sort of excited. I then decide, it's time for me to get naked. I stand up, get undressed and I swear this guy is gonna piss his pants because he's so excited. I watched his eyes light up like a kid seeing presents under the tree on Christmas day. I then lay down on the bed, and make another move because apparently he's Mr. Submissive, or maybe just shy. So i start kissing him and undressing him, and I pull him on top of me. Ok...I'm turned on now...so it's time for Brit to go downtown. He was kissing me all over my stomach and my boobies, and I'm thinking to myself "Holy shit...just get THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" so I grab a chunk of his hair in my fist, and I start to push his head down there, and he won't go. So I start getting kind of mad and try to push his head down even harder. At this point I think I hurt him because he stopped what he was doing and said "Lets fuck". Ok, I understand certain guys don't eat pussy (I could NEVER date one of these guys...if you're a guy imagine a bitch who doesn't suck dick and how deprived you would feel)., but why are you going to get super close to my vag and not lick it? So then we start to have sex. I get on top, and I'm sad because apparently the big penis I felt earlier was all jeans, and what I was left with was a little baby dick. So I'm riding him and he starts shaking...like fucking physically shaking like he was either having a nervous breakdown or was going to explode. No! 2 minutes with a 5 inch dick is just not satisfying, so I jumped off and said "Ok...you get on top." So he did. OMG. I wanted to fucking shoot myself for suggesting this. He started to get really creepy and tried being romantic or something with me...nothing bothers me more than a guy who is definately a one-night stand trying to get all emotional and shit. Dude. Just face it. I'm going to fuck you, and I'm going home, and because you suck, I'm probably never going to talk to you again, or worse, I'm going to text you to tell you that you have a tiny penis and you have the hip action of a down syndrome baby.
So back to story...creepy Brit man is thrusting me in this deformed slow fashion and kissing me on my neck and cheeks and I'm bored as fuck trying to watch Eagle Eye over his shoulder. I'm annoyed. I really want to watch this movie now because this kid keeps moaning and being weird and I just want to pretend like he's not even there, so I suggest doggy style. I wanted to face the movie, but no, this mother fucker faces me towards the wall. Great. Now I have nothing to watch, AND a boring little penis inside me. So I do what any logical person would do in this situation...I picked up my phone, started fucking around on Facebook, and making sex noises so Brit would bust and get the fuck off me. I was screaming "Oh yeah...you're dick is huge, i want you to nut everywhere..." blah blah blah. It worked. He came, and I dressed myself as quick as possible and walked past his parents again who I'm sure heard everything, and left.
Brit has since tried contacting me. I told him the reason I won't hang out with him is because he sucks in bed. I also said it sucks that he doesn't eat pussy. He begged me to hang out and told me he would lick my pussy til I couldn't stand anymore. I told him that he should have done that the first time we hooked up and that it might have made up for the fact that he couldn't successfully bang a jar of peanut butter, much less a vagina. This is the reason I'm convinced that all British men fucking suck in bed.
So back to story...creepy Brit man is thrusting me in this deformed slow fashion and kissing me on my neck and cheeks and I'm bored as fuck trying to watch Eagle Eye over his shoulder. I'm annoyed. I really want to watch this movie now because this kid keeps moaning and being weird and I just want to pretend like he's not even there, so I suggest doggy style. I wanted to face the movie, but no, this mother fucker faces me towards the wall. Great. Now I have nothing to watch, AND a boring little penis inside me. So I do what any logical person would do in this situation...I picked up my phone, started fucking around on Facebook, and making sex noises so Brit would bust and get the fuck off me. I was screaming "Oh yeah...you're dick is huge, i want you to nut everywhere..." blah blah blah. It worked. He came, and I dressed myself as quick as possible and walked past his parents again who I'm sure heard everything, and left.
Brit has since tried contacting me. I told him the reason I won't hang out with him is because he sucks in bed. I also said it sucks that he doesn't eat pussy. He begged me to hang out and told me he would lick my pussy til I couldn't stand anymore. I told him that he should have done that the first time we hooked up and that it might have made up for the fact that he couldn't successfully bang a jar of peanut butter, much less a vagina. This is the reason I'm convinced that all British men fucking suck in bed.
Dildos Cause Divorce
When I just moved down to Florida, I was 17, I didn't know anyone so I wanted to meet people. The first person I met was Scott. He was my conveniently hot, less conveniently married neighbor. He was 29, and a body builder, drove an Escalade and made my little teenage heart go pitter patter. There was one problem here however...that pesky wife of his. I remember being a total creeper and staring out my window at him while he fixed his classic car. I always used to change clothes in front of the window and hope he would look up and see me naked. I think I might have been borderline obsessive. His wife worked long hours at the hospital, she was a nurse. So one day while Scott was fixing his car, I decided to go over and chit-chat. He told me if I ever needed anything to give him a call, and gave me his number. So the next night, I decided to get ballsy and call him. I remember exactly what I told him. I said "hi, this is Kelly...I think I need to tell you something...everytime I masturbate, I think about you." Ok...so he liked this, alot. The next day I went to school, and when I got home, I noticed his wife wasn't there. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got there, but I walked up to the door and knocked. What happened next couldn't have been recreated better in a porno. He opened the door and I just pushed him back, closed the door and started kissing him. He didn't stop me and we ended up having wild sex on the waterbed. This was the first of many times while wifey was at work. I fucked him while he was driving down the road in the Escalade, I would go over there multiple times a day and have sex with him.
We went to XTC one night and he bought me my first dildo. I got to this point with this guy I really thought I could steal him away from his clueless boring wife. I used to leave earrings at their house, I would rub my pussy all over this ladies pillow so she would smell it and call him out. Like seriously, crazy stalker shit. One day I went to school and my mom picked me up and she had this really weird look on her face. She said she was making my bed when out from under my pillow she saw the big purple dildo Scott bought for me. She said she knew he bought it since I was underage. Oh fuck. We fought the whole ride home and when we got there, how convenient that Scott AND his wife were just getting home. My mom yelled across the street (and I almost died right there in the garage) "Hey you fucking pervert. Stay away from my underage daughter and take your God Damn dildo back!" Oh. My. God. My mom put the fucking dildo in their mailbox and who opened the mailbox but the wife. I ran inside the house and peeked out the window and noticed Scott's wife basically beating the shit out of him and then got in her Lexus and drove away.
Scott never talked to me again. The wife moved out of the house in the next couple of weeks. And then, Scott moved out too and the house was put up for sale. I like to think my affair with Scott was the start of other couples issues in that same house because the next lady who moved in banged some guy from the end of our street, both of them were married and they all got divorced as well. I forever think that dildos definately cause divorce. Oh and if you're wondering what happened my purple dildo that Scott bought me...I never got it back and had to replace it. Fuck.
We went to XTC one night and he bought me my first dildo. I got to this point with this guy I really thought I could steal him away from his clueless boring wife. I used to leave earrings at their house, I would rub my pussy all over this ladies pillow so she would smell it and call him out. Like seriously, crazy stalker shit. One day I went to school and my mom picked me up and she had this really weird look on her face. She said she was making my bed when out from under my pillow she saw the big purple dildo Scott bought for me. She said she knew he bought it since I was underage. Oh fuck. We fought the whole ride home and when we got there, how convenient that Scott AND his wife were just getting home. My mom yelled across the street (and I almost died right there in the garage) "Hey you fucking pervert. Stay away from my underage daughter and take your God Damn dildo back!" Oh. My. God. My mom put the fucking dildo in their mailbox and who opened the mailbox but the wife. I ran inside the house and peeked out the window and noticed Scott's wife basically beating the shit out of him and then got in her Lexus and drove away.
Scott never talked to me again. The wife moved out of the house in the next couple of weeks. And then, Scott moved out too and the house was put up for sale. I like to think my affair with Scott was the start of other couples issues in that same house because the next lady who moved in banged some guy from the end of our street, both of them were married and they all got divorced as well. I forever think that dildos definately cause divorce. Oh and if you're wondering what happened my purple dildo that Scott bought me...I never got it back and had to replace it. Fuck.
Jesus Sees You!
One time I went on a date with a guy I met on Myspace, and I was horny as hell, so our date which he had no idea about, was going to be a booty call. He picked me up in the worst car I have EVER been in. A fucking Geo Metro. Now as if this wasn't bad enough, the guy had his surfboard in the front seat. I walked up to the car and asked if he was going to move his surfboard. His response was, "Uh, actually, she's my baby, and she's riding in front, so you can get behind me." Ew. Well this was my first mistake. I thoroughly should have never gotten in the car with an asshole who made me ride in the backseat. Begrudgingly, I crawled in back, and said "Look. I don't want to date you, so let's get right down to it...I want to fuck. Now its up to you what we do from here, but my intentions are clear and I suggest you find a good spot." So Geo Metro drove us to this Christian Retreat place out in Parrish, and I didn't really care because it looked dark and secluded. Now I just had to figure out how we were going to fuck in a damn Geo Metro which is the size of my butthole, it's so fucking small, things are much easier coming out than going in.
Finally Geo Metro decides he can now remove his surfboard from the front seat since he knows he's gonna get laid, so he set it outside the car and leaned it against the window. We started to get down to business, the usual car sex special---1st making out, 2nd add your hands, 3rd I start feeling on your crotch and unzipping your pants, and 4th I give you a Pro-Job, and if you can still hold your semen, step 5, the penetration. Well I can tell you this much, steps 1-3 went smoothly, but by the time step 4 came around, I had my mouth around his cock and I saw a creepy shadow hovering in the window. I jumped up like holy shit and the creepy shadow knocked on the window. My date fucking rolls the window down with his boner hanging out and said "Umm....can we help you?" Creepy shadowman turned out to be a damn preacher or something and said "This is private property. Private CHURCH property. Obviously you're not here for church, so I suggest you leave before I call the cops." My dumb self decided to yell "Fuck the police...what are they gonna do? Write me a citation for sucking dick?" And thats when Geo Metro freaked out, turned on the car, and said "Uh, sorry sir, we're leaving." The last words the preacher said to me as we were about to drive off was "Young lady...the police may not do anything about your vile act, but remember this....Jesus sees everything."
From that moment on, I was an atheist because I was going to continue to partake in "vile" acts and I certainly didn't want to keep thinking Jesus was watching me, possibly getting a boner, and jerking off in heaven.
Finally Geo Metro decides he can now remove his surfboard from the front seat since he knows he's gonna get laid, so he set it outside the car and leaned it against the window. We started to get down to business, the usual car sex special---1st making out, 2nd add your hands, 3rd I start feeling on your crotch and unzipping your pants, and 4th I give you a Pro-Job, and if you can still hold your semen, step 5, the penetration. Well I can tell you this much, steps 1-3 went smoothly, but by the time step 4 came around, I had my mouth around his cock and I saw a creepy shadow hovering in the window. I jumped up like holy shit and the creepy shadow knocked on the window. My date fucking rolls the window down with his boner hanging out and said "Umm....can we help you?" Creepy shadowman turned out to be a damn preacher or something and said "This is private property. Private CHURCH property. Obviously you're not here for church, so I suggest you leave before I call the cops." My dumb self decided to yell "Fuck the police...what are they gonna do? Write me a citation for sucking dick?" And thats when Geo Metro freaked out, turned on the car, and said "Uh, sorry sir, we're leaving." The last words the preacher said to me as we were about to drive off was "Young lady...the police may not do anything about your vile act, but remember this....Jesus sees everything."
From that moment on, I was an atheist because I was going to continue to partake in "vile" acts and I certainly didn't want to keep thinking Jesus was watching me, possibly getting a boner, and jerking off in heaven.
Episodes in Escorting
For a short while, I owned and operated an escort service in order to support my drug habit which I can now laugh about because it's a thing of the past. I got the idea from all the men who kept texting me years after we hooked up about how they really wanted to hang out again and blah blah blah, so I decided that if they wanted to hang out with me, they were gonna have to pay. So I set my prices and away we go. My first customer was a virgin who lived in a halfway house who just inherited a large sum of money. He got us a room at the Hampton Inn. He was pretty fucking ugly, I'm not gonna lie....he had major acne and kind of resembled Mr. Potatohead, but he was paying me $400 to take his virginity and leave. This kid was so lame. If you're uglier than shit...at least have a good personality. He was boring, and quiet, and he had no idea what he was doing. I made him give me the money first, and I took the reins, closed my eyes, and did reverse cowgirl so I didn't have to look at how putrid his face was. It was even worse yet that he had a 3 inch penis which felt like a damn finger to me. So after like 2 minutes of silence and bouncing, I turned around and said "Umm excuse me...are you awake? Did you nut yet?" (of course he was wearing a condom) He responded with the most peculiar answer ever. "I dunno. I think so." Whoa...hold the phone. I looked at him semi-shocked and said "How the fuck do you not know if you came or not?" He said "I just don't know." Oh wow. I just fucked a retard. An ugly ass retard with a tiny dick. I got dressed and started to leave with my money after being in the room with retard for a 10 minute time span. As I was leaving he tried to stop me and said "Wait...is that it? When do I get to see you again?" Ew. I looked back at him and responded with something along the lines of "How bout when you grow a bigger dick and learn what an orgasm feels like?" I never saw him again.
The next client I had was a total creeper who I knew for years and had unintentionally had a blackout-drunk 3some with years before. He had money, was much better looking than I remembered (but still not my type). He had a kid and a girlfriend and loved how I gave head so I met him on my lunchbreak in a parking lot and gave him a $250 blowjob. He then became a fucking creepy stalker and I blocked him on Facebook and pretty much everywhere else, changed my number, etc until his stupid girlfriend found me online and messaged me about how she thought he was cheating on her and I told her how he paid me to give him head and that he was basically trying to rape me continuously. His last name is Akal and I have no problem putting him on blast.
By far my favorite client is someone I'll simply dub "Ball Man". Ball man found me on Facebook and presented me with an opportunity to kick him in the balls as hard as I possibly could and he would pay me $3000 if he could videotape it. I halfway thought he was going to skin me and make lampshades out of me or something, so I made sure I carried my SIG-Sauer P-220 on me (thats a handgun for those of you who don't know). I went to the hotel, ironically at the Ritz Carlton and walked up to the room. Ball Man answered the door, said "You must be Kelly...I'm so excited, I've got my camera all set up." I was fully prepared to kill Ball Man if things got out of hand. He handed me a bikini to put on (if it wasn't new, I wouldn't have worn it), but I tore off the tags, put it on and Ball Man laid on the bed. He explained how it turned him on to be stepped on, kicked, and punched in the nuts. I put on my high heels and crawled on the bed, held on to the wall, and started stepping on his balls. I started laughing hysterically, snorted 3 large lines of coke, and then started jumping up and down. I told Ball Man I wanted to kick him, but i needed my money before this shit went any further. He handed me 30 crisp clean $100's, and we proceeded. I kicked Ball Man about 20 times in the nuts, he kept falling over like a bowling ball, and getting back up and moaning. It was like watching a bug die...you want to put it out of it's misery, but you just keep poking it to see what happens. So Ball Man started bleeding from the nuts, and I said that I had to be taking off as much fun as beating him up was. I was loaded with money and all I had to do was kick around some balls (literally).
So those are just a few of my many escorting adventures, and I'm sure I'll add more later :)
The next client I had was a total creeper who I knew for years and had unintentionally had a blackout-drunk 3some with years before. He had money, was much better looking than I remembered (but still not my type). He had a kid and a girlfriend and loved how I gave head so I met him on my lunchbreak in a parking lot and gave him a $250 blowjob. He then became a fucking creepy stalker and I blocked him on Facebook and pretty much everywhere else, changed my number, etc until his stupid girlfriend found me online and messaged me about how she thought he was cheating on her and I told her how he paid me to give him head and that he was basically trying to rape me continuously. His last name is Akal and I have no problem putting him on blast.
By far my favorite client is someone I'll simply dub "Ball Man". Ball man found me on Facebook and presented me with an opportunity to kick him in the balls as hard as I possibly could and he would pay me $3000 if he could videotape it. I halfway thought he was going to skin me and make lampshades out of me or something, so I made sure I carried my SIG-Sauer P-220 on me (thats a handgun for those of you who don't know). I went to the hotel, ironically at the Ritz Carlton and walked up to the room. Ball Man answered the door, said "You must be Kelly...I'm so excited, I've got my camera all set up." I was fully prepared to kill Ball Man if things got out of hand. He handed me a bikini to put on (if it wasn't new, I wouldn't have worn it), but I tore off the tags, put it on and Ball Man laid on the bed. He explained how it turned him on to be stepped on, kicked, and punched in the nuts. I put on my high heels and crawled on the bed, held on to the wall, and started stepping on his balls. I started laughing hysterically, snorted 3 large lines of coke, and then started jumping up and down. I told Ball Man I wanted to kick him, but i needed my money before this shit went any further. He handed me 30 crisp clean $100's, and we proceeded. I kicked Ball Man about 20 times in the nuts, he kept falling over like a bowling ball, and getting back up and moaning. It was like watching a bug die...you want to put it out of it's misery, but you just keep poking it to see what happens. So Ball Man started bleeding from the nuts, and I said that I had to be taking off as much fun as beating him up was. I was loaded with money and all I had to do was kick around some balls (literally).
So those are just a few of my many escorting adventures, and I'm sure I'll add more later :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)